Disclaimer:(standard) Do not screw up. Do not do anything illegal.
This includes specifically (but not limited to) reading on if you are
under 18- 21 in some localities If you are underage you must leave
now. If you're and curious, this is not the place to get the
straight story. You act like this and people will look at you strange
and give you a wide berth. Also, don't try this at home. Some of this
stuff is just plain wrong, most of it is unsafe in the present viral
climate and some of it doesn't work in this universe. They are stories.
They deal with ideas, fantasies and thoughts that might not even be
pleasant in real life. Thoughts are like that. Fantasies are there so we
can toy with the sensations without feeling or inflicting the pain,
despair or humiliation. End Sermon.
A Comedy of Errors
(Fuck Shakespeare)
Dramatis Personae: A bunch of and some broads.
(It's the first play in the Folio-start there and read to Two Noble
Kinsmen. The guy doesn't suck.)
War spy, shmar spy, it was obvious at the start that the which uncoiled thereafter was the either in 'either these things happen or
you die' No reason to worry about Dad.
Antipholus (Folly to his friends) has a twin to find. He also has
a twisted plot to traverse and gets it right under way by sending Dromio
(love that name, we're keeping it) off stage so the other Dromio (Holy
crap! another twin) can help get the thing rolling.
You see, Folly2 has a and a sister-in-law and tons of
money- and the other half of the Dromio pair. After their Dromio comes
back with a wild about Folly2 acting strange, Adriana (Andy) and
Luciana (Lucy) go and fetch Folly1 and his Dromio for dinner. And
they're really friendly, nudge, nudge, know what I mean?
Maybe Andy's thinking that Folly is stressed out or something.
She delays dinner a while to take him upstairs (A scene Shakespeare
left out) Folly1 only came back to this nice house because the women
were so friendly so he isn't surprized much when Andy starts shedding
the linen.
"Oh my Lord, doest this please you?" she asks as she primps
for him in a mostly transparent covering.
Well, not much. Andy has spread a little with the ease of
marriage, and her former attraction has faded to remnants. Still, she is
as attractive as any hefty barroom wench and a good site better smelling.
"Certainly, milady," he says as he elevates her to a gentle status
that he does not believe she posesses.
"Then loosen your codpiece and play the bull with me,
husband," she replies and sprawls across the bed.
Folly's mind is not much on the role she wishes to pretend. Her
banter has been crazed for the most part, but her actions have made her
intent clear to him from the first. He ditches the codpiece and otherwise
fully clothed begins to make love to her.
"Oh Folly, you act so strangely," Andy reacts to the new
directness of the she thinks is her husband, "I am blessed with a
husband that brings newness to his marriage bed!"
After his manner with such women, Folly has pulled her chemise
up until it billows around her neck. He feasts on her fat bubbies and
then rolls her over with a smart crack on her flank before pulling her
to her knees and mounting her like the bull she mentioned.
This is not a manner that Andy is accustomed to, but she
ignores the low character of the position since it seems to have given
her husband a fever for her that has been lacking in recent times. Folly
finds it suitable for slaking his physical needs and even thanks her
graciously for entertaining him.
When they return to supper, Folly finds another kind of desire
for Lucy. She has the elegance, the body, the manners, the form, the
tongue, the shape, of a woman high-born and he is attracted to her both
by his heart and his loins. Dicreetly, he waits to be alone with her to
press his intentions.
Meanwhile Dromio has been relegated to watching the door
and he succeeds in repelling the house's real Lord Folly and his twin.
He has no luck repelling Nell, the kitchenmaid, who is convinced he is
to marry her.
It is not the weight of her suit, but the weight of Nell that finally
traps Dromio behind the kitchen table. Uttering the deathlesss words
that a stiff prick hath no conscience- nor taste, neither, Dromio is
subjected to the fat kitchenmaid riding the St. George on his prone
figure. Well, prone figure and alert cock.
While Dromio's ashes are being hauled, Folly is in hot pursuit
of Lucy. She, of course, thinks he is her brother-in-law and is resistant.
"Oh but see how the full moons of your do make this
tide spring to their attraction," he is wooing as he shows her his erection
and tears at her bodice to expose the moons of which he speaks.
"Nor were cherries e're so sweet as the buds that crown them,"
he croons as he tries to fix his mouth on her nipples.
"Fie! Fie! With your so near. Go- give her your attention,"
says the faithful Lucy.
"She has had her due," Folly snaps, "Now I would please
myself with beauty more to my liking."
"Shame! For it is you who has made her thus," Lucy rebukes.
"Not I!" he proclaims, "For if she was of my making her name
would be Lucy and she would have the spirit of the godess I hold in my
arms."
Now we know something is going on because Folly1 is not this
well-spoken nor poetic by nature. He is making love to her from his
heart. Still, Lucy thinks he is her sister's husband and is struggling with
the temptation that the ardor of his words has blossomed in her.
She has never felt this way with Folly until now. Her heart feels
his sincereity, but her spirit still sees her brother-on-law. She cannot
give in to him, but her struggles are not too strong. By luck or some
native cunning her hand stumbles on the erection he has bared in
anticipation of ravishing her and there is a convergence of his struggles
to overcome her objections and some- we must admit it- some motion
of her hand.
"Oh rapture! The mossy hill to which Venus gives her name!"
Folly expounds as he finds her mons beneath her skirts and runs his
fingers through its hair. "Feel the gates open for you love- they move
up - oh shit!"
The ecstacy of feeling her under his hand and the stroking make
Folly spend his seed against her thigh in a metaphor of their spiritual
coming together. And Lucy escapes with her conscience bruised but
still un-breached.
Across town, Folly2 is demonstrating that: 'they all do it.' And
that they've done it pretty much the same ways for 50,000 years. In
the brothel he is abed with a plump little thing that has just lifted her
head from his crotch.
"Speech hath no worth when a mouth that has it not well can so
well make not having it a virtue," Folly2 is enthusing after her sucking.
"What?" asks the confused courtesan.
"'Tis of no matter, for yet it matters not that we have not
proceeded to the matter," he rattles on.
"So should we proceed that it might matter where were
meant to matter?" she asks using her familiar (that I just made up)
jargon for his ejaculation.
Folly rolls her on her back and slips it in to complete his 17th
century half and half, moaning about the gift of a gold chain he intends
to give her for her skill and compassion for his need.
Of course, that chain is being delivered to Folly1 almost to the
moment that he is mattering where are meant to matter. Not that
it matters to the courtesan, who can only think of the promised gold.
Having met with an urgent debt, the gold merchant, Antonio,
can only think of getting Folly to pay for the chain he has received. It
is, of course, the wrong Folly to which Antonio applies, which is folly
indeed..
Hence Folly 2 is on his way to jail. Folly 1 is waiting for Dromio,
my Dromio- wherefore art thou Dromio? And the whore- er-
courtesan is waiting for her wage. Of course, Folly2 is the one who
meets Dromio1 and sends him to fetch his bail. And he brings the
money back to Folly 1.
Poor Folly2 would rot in jail if it were his last hope, but the
courtesan decides to explain her plight to Folly's wife. Andy simply
thinks Folly is possessed of a demon. Lucy has a lower opinion, feeling
the fool for listening- and being fooled- by a simple philanderer.
They go to the jail to find out what for and to give Folly some
as well. He is sent off for some comic relief with Pinch, a professional
hired by Andy, so one more set of hijinx can ensue.
For Antonio cannot resist any Folly. Folly1 is trying to get out
of Dodge before sundown when Antonio duns him for payment for the
chain. Now, Dear Abby has told us we don't have to pay for anything
that is sent to us without us ordering and Folly1 has a similiar perception
when Antonio demands money for the gift.
They end up in the abbey for sanctuary, joined by the women.
We come to a rollicking conclusion as the duke comes by on his way
to have the killed. Folly2 rushes up to complain about how
badly he has been treated all day. The abbess brings both Follys
together and in folly they resolve the issues.
Then Shakespeare goes off on some convenient tangent about
the and abbess being husband and to end the play.
The real action happens in Act VI- behind the final curtain.
"Yon harlot speaks of gifts you promised that to your are
more proper due," Andy starts in on her husband.
But she has made her own slip or two as she denied refusing
her husband earlier. Folly understands how she was fooled- if she was
indeed fooled- but it makes her position one of less moral certainty. He
makes a counter proposal.
"Then let you claim the trollop's due, what I gave to her I'll now
give to you," he says.
Andy cannot maintain her pretended ire as her husband throws
her on the bed and makes violent love to her like a tart. This is the
second time today she has been rolled like a woman of the street and
she is quite overcome by the passion with which her husband attacks.
"If this be trollop's wages, then speak me true, no longer wife,
but wench I'll be for you," she encourges Folly.
Folly1 and Lucy have been by the duke and Lucy is
relieved to think that his suit may have been honest. Indeed this is
quite like her fondest wish come true.
"Speak me again of the tides," she begs her Folly, "Can once
again these moons make you rise?"
"Aye lady, and like the sea, rise me morning and evening with
those thoughts of thee," Folly courts her in their marriage bed. "But hark,
twice be not enough for my fair wife, unnatural tides your beauty do
bring to life. For the globes that suckle are yet part of the fair frame that
wins my heart. Twice more, once for each eye you ignite passion's
swelling and bye and bye.."
Folly is kissing as he inventories her charms and has now taken
the husband's position between her thighs as he stares into her eyes.
They are about to become one in the consummation of their union and
Folly reaches back to get a firm grip to take her virginity.
"And these fair hills where sits the queen a treasured valley
hides between, And all in all my ebb and flow shall know no bonds of
moon's pale glow, For day or night I shall attend my fair Lucy till time
does end," he quotes prettily and then draws the scream as he rips
through her hymen with his entrance.
"Begone time, ended be- now my true love lies with me," Lucy
responds to her now truely husband, "The veil just ripp'd be the gauze
that to heaven above has given pause. And now let us enter in to God's
clear grace for cherubim, For sterile in the world so cold, I become one
that now heaven beholds."
Ah-husband! Ah-wife! They exchange these words of fulfillment
and the play ends as they heave and moan on the bed in an impressive
display of mutual love and great satisfaction.
Exeunt all.
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