Crown Of Thorns Chapter 3
After that night I fell into depression. I faked my happiness like I
always did but it became more difficult. I think that my dad suspected
something because he kinda let up on me. Granted I still had the bruises,
but at least They weren't compounded. Danny remained loyal. My behavior
never seemed to get on his nerves. I never could understand why he would
want to be my friend.
I sat through math class, alone in the corner, (it was one of the few
classes that I had without Danny.) Then, as I painfully adjusted my ace
bandage. Somebody walks into class and give the teacher a note. Not
paying half attention, I didn't see him until he sat down at the desk next
to me.
"Why you all alone?" he said.
"Huh?" I said as I looked up at him. I nearly feel from my chair. It
was him. My dream. He has come into real life. "Shit," I whispered under
my breath.
"Really, the first coherent word out of your mouth and it is a swear
word."
"Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you, It is nice to meet you, my name is
Julian."
"Julian, I fucking swear all the fucking time so when you say swears
like shit, bitch, fuck, or anything in between it makes no difference to
me. By the way, my name is Terry."
"Hi," I like him already, no, I love him already. It was then that I
got a good look at him. He had golden hair, that matched is golden tan.
He was about 6' and 185lb. He had muscle. I could see that. He had the
most gentle hands as I shook it, almost baby smooth. He had copper eyes.
Really, they were brown-beige, with a sheen on them, making them look
copper. His lips were perfect and I could see his teeth. White as snow.
He was my god.
"Umm, can I have my hand back, I have to take notes."
"Ohh, yea, sorry." I could feel the color rush to my face. I busied
myself with my notes. But I kept a eye on him. It was hard not to look.
He wore the most perfect clothes. They fit him just right, not too tight,
and not too loose. A far cry from what I had.
I looked suitable, I just had clothes. I wore hand-me-downs, and
with brothers which are a lot bigger than you, well, they have big
clothes. I am not half bad also, I am a small person with green eyes and
brown moppy hair. Class ended in what seemed like three hours.
"Hey Julian," I heard from behind me. I turned on my heel to see Terry
come running after me. "Julian, I just started here, could
you...ahh...show me around a little?"
I felt light headed. This hot guy wants me to show him around, when
there are like fourteen thousand others who would jump at the chance.
"Sure," I stated in a shaky voice.
"Cool. So, where to next."
"lunch."
"Even better." I smiled as he said that. I smiled.
We met Danny at lunch and I introduced them. They seemed to hit it off
right away, in fact, all three of us did. "So, where you from?" Danny
asked.
"New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Chicago, Detroit. But the most
recent one is New York."
"Wow, you've been to all those places."
"You really are the master of the obvious," Danny said.
"Shut-up." Danny fake punched me in the arm. I winced. "Dude, I'm
sorry, I didn't hit you that hard."
"No, no, it doesn't hurt," I lied, "Just surprised me, that's all."
"K. So is it true in New York they say name like Linda, 'Linder'?"
"Umm, I really didn't pay much attention to the way they said it."
"Would you stop hounding the boy," I yelled at Danny, "Its my turn. So,
what do you like to do?"
"I love to act, and I sing a little, not much since I move a lot. But I
do play."
"Play what?"
"It is this really instrument called the ocarina. I picked it up at
the ren..."
"isance fair," I finished for him.
"How'd you...?"
"That's what I play."
"woah. That's weird."
"To say the least."
"Great another rock player," Danny piped in.
"What?" Terry questioned. I just slapped my hand across my forehead.
"It was the first one he got. I looks like a rock. So, I've called
them that, ever since."
"What do you mean the first one? How many do you have?"
"Twenty-one," I confessed, "They are all hanging out at Danny's house.
My dad hates them."
"Holy Shit. Twenty-one."
"That's like the load, I only have two."
"That's cool. I started with one and just built it from there."
The bell rang for the next class. Danny, Terry, and I marched off to
Bio. It seems that we have inducted a new clan member into my close nit
friends.
After Biology I had to bid goodbye to Terry as one of my classmates had
to take him to Gym. How much I wish I had gym with him. "What was that
all about?" Danny asked me.
"What?"
"Look at yourself. Your like bounding up the stairs. Head up high.
Where is the Julien I know."
"Somewhere deep inside and I hope he'll stay there."
"Cool. Come on. Were late."
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Later in the day when I went to play practice I saw Terry standing there
looking lost. "What's up?" I asked him.
"Nothin' just looking for play practice. I'm filling in for plant
branch number two."
"Hey, that's cool. Yea, play practice should be here any minute. It is
a pleasure to meet you plant branch number two, my name is Seymore."
"Wow, you mean the star roll, Seymore?"
"Yep, and before you were talking to Mr. Mushnik."
"Cool. Man, you and I have so much in common. Its like you came out of
a dream or something," he said to me.
As soon as he said it I could see the color rush to his face. I knew
that I was having a similar problem. "Was thinking the same about you."
"Kinda sounds Like a song I heard on the radio once."
'Oh, my God. I wonder if he knows what else is in that song. I knew
exactly which one he was talking about.' Instinctively I started to hum
Savage Garden's "I knew I Loved You Before I Met You" as I started to dump
my stuff on one of the seats.
"That's the one," he said chasing after me. "Do you know it?"
"Yea, I know the beat. But not the words. But I have the CD at home."
'Said to much.'
"Cool, maybe I could come over and listen to it with you."
"Uhh..umm...I'm Sorry I can't. I have stuff to do after practice."
"Ohh, ok," he said. Suddenly I realized that he wanted to become part
of my life. Become my friend. "Maybe some other time."
"Yea, some other time."
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This routine again fell into place. Only now, I was happier when I went
to school and more depressed when I came home. As soon as play practice
was over I would start to miss Terry. He was so cool and calm. I loved
being his friend. But something kept nagging at me. That romantic, sexual
drive that all teens have was taking over my life and I so wanted him to be
mine. But he wasn't gay. Ha, I would be so lucky. My dad let up a little
on me. But every once I would get a good whoopen' for no reason. It was
just enough to keep the bruises visible.
I could fake a smile really well, and have become so proficient at it.
But underneath that pressure still exists and building up. Like one giant
volcano it will burst.
I walked to school on a calm winter day. It was the first snowfall,
only flurries, but it was the first snowfall. As I walked, I was deep in
thought. Just about everything. Life, happiness, alone, Terry, love.
That's right I finally admitted to myself that I loved him.
"Hey Julian, how's it going?" Terry asked. Ever since I met him, I have
worn my mask, but today it was warring a bit thin. I tried to play it down
to lighten the mood.
"Nothing really, how do you like the snow?"
"Aww, it is beautiful. I love winter, until it gets to much to shovel,
then I like summer."
I laughed at his little joke. The mood became downcast again, but the
bell rang so I avoided the subject. I managed to avoid the subject all
day, but all day, the pressure was reaching its breaking point.
Everyone understands what it is like to loose it, to completely and
utterly loose control in their life. I just had to do something to get
this tension out. To get this aggression out. There were no pillows
around. The final bell rang. The sound made me want to crush every one in
the building. Not to mention the homework. It made me want to crush every
teacher in the building.
"Alright, I'm going to take the chorus with me to sing it up. Plant
people, Seymore, and Mushnik you stay here and fool around. Just
don't bring the house down. We'll be back." With that Mr. Jenks and the
rest of the cast left for the vocal room.
Danny immediately came over to me. "What's wrong dude, you have been
hidden all day long. It's like you are back in your shell. Come on,
what's up."
"Nothin'"
"I know that's not true, just tell me."
And that was that. The gasket blew, the fat lady sung, and now the
curtain has been drawn. "Danny, you want to know what my fucking problem
is." I saw flames. "You want to know what my fucking problem is." My voice
began to rise. He backed away in fright. I tore off my shirt. "This is
the problem, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this," I
said as I pointed to each bruise. "Lets add to that a bandage I have been
wearing for two months. But no, that's not all." My eyes were closed, I
could see the fire. In my most sarcastic voice, "And no that's not all,
tell them what you've won. YOU'VE WON DIDDLE SQUAT." I was crying now.
Tears fell down my face. "Yep that's right. You get the DVD players, and
the TV's. I get the privilege to eat at the kitchen table. Sounds like a
holly jolly Christmas to you." My eyes opened and I swear I saw a flares.
"But you know why I never told you why my dad beats me. Because if I did,
you would have to do something about it, then my brothers would want to
kill me, then as soon as my dad gets out, he'd what to kill me. Well, now,
that seems like a much better alternative than to my life right now." I was
nearly ready to collapse. I thought to myself, 'Fuck it, My life is over
anyway.' "And now you want to know the icing on the cake.
I...AM...A...FAGGOT. That's right, a cocksucking fag. Born and true." My
voice cracked and I spoke in nothing more than a whisper, "So now you
know."
My eyes opened. What I saw scared the shit out of me. Danny was
staring at me in fear. Terry, the love of my life blinked at me,
incoherently, and there stood the rest of the cast, with Mr. Jenks at
their side. They were speechless. It was then that I realized what I had
said. I gasped for air. I fell onto the floor and reached out tward Terry
struggling for a breath. I looked straight at Terry and mouthed to him.
'I'm sorry. I love you.' But in between sobs and gasps, he couldn't have
understood.
If there was one thing that I could do right it is run, and run I did.
Suddenly full of energy, I got up and took off. Shirtless, I ran down the
street, to mine. They entered the house, completely bypassed my dad and
ran into my room and locked the door. I collapsed onto the bed and wracked
myself in sobs. I wept. I released everything, that I have held in and it
did, exactly what I knew it would. Destroy my life.
I heard pounding on my door. "Open up asshole," I heard my dad yell.
After a few minutes, I could hear him walk off. "Good bitch, don't come
down either, don't have to deal with you all night." I happily obliged, I
didn't want to come out...ever."
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Since my dad would never call in for me, I had to go to school. I woke
up extra early and took off extra early. I took my time walking and sat in
my little corner. I fell asleep in the corner.
I was awakened my the sound of teens talking. I had no idea what they
were gossiping about, but I could only assume it was about me. I walked
into the school building solemnly. In fact I walked everywhere solemnly. I
didn't talk to anyone all day. I felt completely and utterly depressed. I
swiped shit from the nurse's station before; I could swipe a bottle of pain
pills and get it over before they even miss me, if they miss me. And this
time I was serious.
As I was debating this, the day went by. Slowly, but it went by. Soon
it finished and I marched off to play practice. I didn't even know why I
was going. Every so often I would turn around and head the other way. I
was caught be surprise when Danny tossed his arm over my shoulders.
"Where do you think your going?"
"Why do you care, you probably hate me or something."
"Why, because your different, we all are different in some way or
another." By this time we were in the theater. A few people were sitting
around talking, which came to a halt when I stepped in.
"Are you ok?" Naine said.
"Umm..."
"First of all," Danny cut me off. "Julian, There is nobody here who
thinks any less of you because you're gay. You are still you. And we all
love you. We are some sort of gang, us actors."
"Uhh"
Danny announced to the entire room, "Does anyone care that he is gay?" I
felt in the face.
There was a silence. "You see Juli..."
"I care." I looked out to see who said it. My heart stopped. My Terry
stood up. My Terry was a fag hater. A homophobe. My life ended right
there. What ever I had left crumpled into dust.
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