Here's a cool of me be a fellow named Philip of
me interviewing for a job!
Stern and Associates - The Interview
By Philip
(The premise of this is fairly straight forward:
a job interview. The speaker is the Human Resources
Officer, Alexis Hardy, a regal woman about 35,
who is responsible for all hires with the company, a
prestigious Banking firm)
"I'm so glad to see you Ms. Corbitt. Please have a
seat. I've just been looking over your application.
Hmmm... I see you are applying for the position we
currently have open for a Junior
Executive. There are quite a number of very qualified
candidates interviewing for that position I have to
tell you.
We, at Stern and Associates, like to think of
ourselves as one big happy family. I'm sure you will
fit in quite nicely.
Although there are some things we will have to run
through before I can tell for sure if you are truly
Stern material. All formalities I assure you. Nothing
to sweat over. You seem nervous. Yes, it has been
quite a warm day. And that sweater doesn't really fit
our climate. Oh, you recently moved here from up north
and haven't have time to adjust your wardrobe. That's
understandable.
That must be very disorienting, I understand. Moving
from so far away. New city. No or friends. I
understand. Well, you'll make lots of friends here.
We're just one big happy...like I said before.
Anyway, first things first. I have to give you a short
test, to make certain you didn't, shall we say,
"elaborate", on your credentials.
Now, now. Please don't look so shocked. You'd be
amazed at how many applicants we receive every day who
claim to be experts in almost every aspect of business
and finance and we've been fooled before. They usually
crack up in their first real assignment. Makes us look
pretty foolish. And I don't like looking foolish. So,
I've made it my goal to personally determine if our
prospective employees are who they say they are.
Nothing personal, I assure you. I'm sure you won't
have any problems with this simple test?
Good. I'm glad you've calmed down and see things my
way. Ability to take criticism and carry out orders is
very important here. You'll have to be able to do that
if you want to make this your home.
Here is what our test consists of.
This is a dummy portfolio of one of our most demanding
clients. I have made some specific changes and errors
hidden in the numbers of these books. You have 20
minutes to set their accounts straight. Spelling and
accuracy are the most important things to them.
They are somewhat anal about that but the customer is
always right and we intend to bend over backwards to
please our customers.
What? You just lost a contact lens? Well, let me see
if I can help you find it.
Oh my God. I'm terribly sorry about that. I think I
accidentally stepped on it. What's that? You have to
have those to see clearly? Well, I'm afraid we don't
have time for you to get a new pair. I have three more
applicants waiting and I have to finalize the choice
this afternoon at 2. That doesn't give you enough time
to go get a replacement pair.
You have glasses for emergencies? Yes? Ahhh...good.
Well, you'll just have to wear them for the rest of
the day until you can go home. But you hate wearing
them? I can see why.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to your feelings. I
suppose they are fine. I just thought they made you
look than you really are and don't flatter your
face much.
Please you're getting angry again. That won't help you
do well on the test at all. You'll need to have your
full concentration to do well. Without a good score
I'm afraid you won't
even be in the running for the position. And I know
you must need that job.
So just sit down here like a good and forget what
I said about looking like a fat woman?
What do you mean I didn't say *fat* before?
Oops. That must have slipped out. Sorry, didn't mean
to put ot that way. But it is....well......
My, your such a over sencitive thing, aren't you? I
hope your not going to take all this personally and
start crying. I didn't meant to be cruel, but you
*have* to understand all the Executives here have an
obsession with physical beauty. It's one of our
company mottos:
"A slim body makes for a keen mind." Catchy don't you
think? And, well, to be honest, you just don't have a
slim body, my dear. In fact, you actually must not
exercise at all. Is that true? You really should
you know. You send out the wrong impression when you
let yourself go and wind up turning into a real little
moo-cow.
Sorry, that's just what my little keeps calls you
'hefty' people. Isn't that precious? She's so cute,
really she is! She's always going: 'Mommy, she's such
a *moo cow*, isn't she mommy?' (laughter)
Oh MY...It's quite embarrassing even if it's true, huh?
I know you'd just love her if you meet her. Takes
after her I'm afraid. Poor thing just talks,
talks, talks and bluirts whatever's on her little
mind. Kids are like that. Empty-heads but there sure
is a heck of alot of truth comes pouring out of them
nevertheless.
We have a full gym and sauna facility right here in
the building and all employees are required to
participate in a full exercise program each and every
morning.
Yes, *exercise* dear.
Most of the Executives love to come in an hour or so
early so they can show off their hard bodies and get a
good work-out. The showers are even glassed in so
everyone can see how good everyone else os looking,
isn't that nice?
Geee, I'm afraid you will stick out like a sore thumb,
for a while anyway. Are you modest about being nude in
front of all your co-workers? Well, you'd best get
over that quickly, understand?
But I'm sure you'll drop some of those unsightly
pounds before too long. Eventually.
All employees must wear a regulation spandex exercise
ensemble that will be deducted from your month's pay.
Unfortunately after taxes and all the other deductions
that really won't leave too much for you this first
month, especially after all the costs I know are
involved in relocating to a new town. There is a soup
kitchen down by the homeless shelter if you get really
hungry. I'm sure they'll take you in.
Here is an example of the leotard. Yes, it *is* quite
revealing. I have to say it doesn't leave much to the
imagination, does it? But then we're all just one big
happy family, remember?
Now jennifer, you'll need to wear your *little
exercise outfit* every day and participate in the
group exercises. Unfortunately we tend to run them in
the small size so this one will be pretty snug on you.
But I suppose most clothes are snug on you aren't they
dear?
By their looks, some people actually believe we hire
our Executives straight from the Playboy mansion. Ha.
If only it was that easy. Our women (and it might
suprise you to know that Stern and Associates'
Executive tier is almost primarily female) comprise
some of the brightest and most beautiful women from
almost every field.
I believe it's because our President, Beverly Stern,
prefers to work
primarily with women. She's quite the feminist leader
in this community. A true ground-breaker. And from
what her competitors say, a real "ball-breaker" as
well. Compassionate but firm. That's what she is.
Will you listen to me prattle on? If you're to finish
this test I have to be quiet. You only have 10 minutes
left to finish. Please begin."
(Ten minutes later after you hastily try your best to
make sense out of the poorly written accounts....)
"My, my...tsk tsk tsk...I'm afraid this doesn't really
measure up to our
expectations. Perhaps this really isn't the position
for you. Now don't panic dear....I supose there *are*
lots of smaller less prestigious companies that might
need your services though. Don't start crying again.
That only really makes your pudgy little face look
even fatter when you're all flushed and like that.
You really do look just like a little piggie sow like
this, don't you? No, I'm not kidding. Have you
ever noticed? Here, take a peek in that mirror there
behind my desk. In that sweater you look just
like a piggie-girl.
Here at Stern and Associates we all have "pet" names
for each other. Can you guess what yours might be?
Don't get huffy, It's just a harmless way for everyone
to rememebr your face and relax and feel at ease
around you. What? You *don't* like it?
Well.....I have to disagree. And afterall, It's comen
knowledge others offten know what "pet" names are best
for us better than ourselves! Only others are able to
see clearly our true natures and see what we really
are like, deep down.
And I think you're just a rolly poly piggie girl!
(laughter)
Here -- TAKE THIS! (writing something down) Okay! It's
settled. So, from now on you'll wear this colorful
name tag with "Piggie" on it and your real name in
smaller letters right there underneath, so everyone
will be able to recognize you by your 'real' name when
they meet you. Now, Isn't that a helpful way of
introducing you to all the people you'll be working
with for years to come?
And each new person that comes on board will have the
same opportunity to get to know you as the cute little
"Piggie"you are. How long? Why, for It should continue
for as long as you work here silly, unless you want to
wear it around your house, that's up to you of course!
Don't get that look on your face! Now Listen to me
Piggie-girl. I'm telling you this for your own good.
You'll be lucky to get on here in any position, since
your definitely are NOT Junior Executive material!
But, perhaps we can use an additional chubby in the
Secretarial Pool. That's not so bad is it?
True. The pay is nowhere close to the position you
were looking at, but then, let's be honest. You were
fooling yourself you had a shot at that anyway,
weren't you? Where were you actually trained? Maybe a
few years working in the lower ranks will inspire you
to dream of someday make the jump to the penthouse,
but for now I think you should just feel lucky to be
taking dictation and making coffee.
I hear they should have the air conditioning working
again down there in the "Dog Kennel" as we like to
call the Secretarial Pool <snicker> by September or
October at the latest so that's just a
few months to go. That's not too long is it my little
Pigglet?
Oh, I almost forgot since I've discovered just where
your true talents lie there are a couple more duties
I'm sure you won't mind handling for me. I've been
trying to find someone to do them and
just haven't found the right person. They are very
important though so don't mess them up.
First off the Executives like their donuts and coffee
right after their exercises so you have to finish up
your exercising and scurry down to the bakery across
the street. No, don't stop to shower because you'll
never make it back in time. Just hot foot it down and
select the sweets for the morning. When you're done
get right down to the Secretarial Pool. You can slip
your street clothes on over your leotard.
You'll need to try at least one of each type of pastry
though to make certain they are really fresh. The
ladies hate it if they bite into a stale eclair so
you'll just have to test them first. You shouldn't
have to eat more than six or seven each morning.
Hmmm... yes, that might work against you losing any
weight, but it can't be helped. You'll either have to
exercise even harder or resign yourself to gaining
several more pounds each month.
Oh and the donuts you eat will come out of your pay as
well. You can't expect Stern to pay for your sweet
tooth can you?
When you get those back here and prepare the coffee
here is the key to the Executive Washroom.
What? (sheaking head in amusment) No, silly. I'm not
promoting you already. you are a dim one, huh? I
simply need someone to make sure the toilets are good
and clean for the ladies afterwards because they like
to go there right after and ...well, you
know..."freshen up."
So you need to make sure those heads are clean enough
to eat off of. Really scrub them good. Make sure there
aren't even any specks of...uh...'feces' left in, on,
under or around those bowls.
Normally we'd hire a janitorial staff but our
Executives feel having someone from our "family" will
a better job. And besides you'll get to come in direct
contact with some hot up and coming Executives by
wiping down the bowls in those restrooms. Some of
those ladies
might almost be half your age (and making several
times your salary).
Of course you'll be on your knees looking up at them
as they are relieving their bowels but beggars can't
be choosers, can they?
What else will you need to do? You can type can't you?
Not very well? Ooooops...that doesn't sound promising
Pigglet. You'll just have to work on that. Perhaps
there are other ways you can use your hands?
There is one suggestion though that just came to mind
that could help you ingratiate yourself into upper
ranks here. You should work to befriend a mentor.
Often if you do some special favor
for an Executive that can help you later in your move
up the ladder. Do you know what I mean? Most of our
Executives prefer their secretaries on the slimmer
side and much younger and prettier than you, but there
*is* one woman here that I think is just your speed.
Her name's Greta Brannson. Some of the call her
"Branding" Brannson. You'll have to ask them why. I
really don't know <embarrassed blush>.
But she likes her staff on the...fuller...side anyway
so she'll probably take to you.
I hear she likes to have a massage every afternoon so
perhaps you can learn to rub her 'the right way' and,
who knows? Try massaging her feet. Maybe even...sucking
on her toes? After a long day of walking from
department to department in those leather shoes
of hers I bet the smell would knock you on your ass,
but I've heard that will really get her juices
flowing.
But that's just what I've heard, you understand.
<another embarrassed blush, even redder this time>
Well...welcome aboard Piggie. Don't forget to be here
bright and early Monday morning.
There's a floor of toilets with your name on them.
End
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Yahoo! - coverage of the 74th Academy Awards(R)
http://movies.yahoo.com/
|
|
