Self Esteem (Cat Sand 2)
F/F, Humili. Mc?,
cowgirl
Sherry Marcus is seeing a Dr. Cody and trying to rebuild her life and self-
etseem after leaving her ex- room mate Alex. It makes more sence if your
read Sand first, but it's not manidory
;-)
______________
I sat on the counselors couch with her hands in my lap, then decided that It
made me look too mousy and moved them to my sides, then wondered if that
looked even more like I was a little in grade school Why was I over
reacting so? MY counselor wasn't judging me for gosh's sakes! I had to laugh
at how far I'd come since I'd started to see her.
"Well, Sherry , let's review. Do you remember what is was that brought you
here in the first place?" my counselor asked warmly with a smile.
" Sure. Dr. Cody. I moved out from my room mates place...and... " I tried
quietly.
" Yes go on. What prompted you to leave? How did being you feel about
yourself while you two lived together?" she asked coaxed, as I took a breath
to answer.
"uh....not very good. As I've told you, I realized after I moved out that I
was doing more than half the chores and taking care of her pets too! She
didn't like the sand I got for her cats and wouldn't even notice how I
always was cleaning up her bedroom and around the house, doing laundry,
washing dishes. I didn't even realized it was me off..." I said a
little out of breath.
" because...." she coaxed a gain as if talking to a pet.
" uh.....because, I didn't....tell her." I tried, sounding small.
" That's right. That was the Sherry . discovering her anger after the
fact. Women in society often agreed to things we realize we resent and feel
angry about *after* were all ready commited to it, don't we?. And sometimes
we just use it as an nasty ol' excuse to beat ourselves up, right?" she
asked to no one in particular.
" Yes ma'am. Yeah, that's exactly how I feel!" I said.
Sherry , you're a twenty three year woman, you don't have to call me
"ma'am." or feel sorry!" Dr. Cody shook her head with a smile..
" Sorry. I mean, your right. and, sorry I said I was sorry- shoot!" I
winced, hating how tongue tied I get when on the spot and under pressure.
"It's okay sweet heart. This is your last session, and you are your own
person now. You don't need my, or your ex-roomie Alex or anyone else's
approval. Why, even feel free to disagree with me if you'd like, okay? I'd
be a step in the right direction. What I'm getting at is: Risk Sherry . Risk
female disapproval. Push back a little and find out the secret we *strong*
woman all ready know - the world doesn't end when people frown. Were not
just mirrors of your disapproving judgmental now, right?"
" Yes ma- I mean Doctor Cody. Your not. MY mother, I mean!" I smiled with a
shrug, hating how stupidly I nodded my head like an obedient little pup,
desperately searching for some flicker of hope past her disappointed
obligatory therapist plactic smile I was purchassing.
"Just remember, whatever *pay-off* cleaning your ex- room mates box gave you, the anger and humiliation aren't worth it - and your
resentment will eat away until you express it to her face- not for her sake,
but YOURS."
" I know. Your right. " I said my tummy all ready in knots over a possible
new "Alex" confonatation.
"Okay? So what are we going to do after this session today?" She asked
brightly, and this time I didn't miss a beat, my cue rehearsed. I always
flubbed the middle of the sessions, but somehow felt a rush or pride and was
able to throw my shoulders back proudly and give a coo little patient speech
when the hour's almost up.
" I'm going to march right up to Alex's door and tell her in a assertive,
(yet non aggressive) way that - even though she's not responsible for my
feelings, (only I am), it was still a *mistake* for me not to express my
frustration at how she allowed me do all her chores around the house for
her! And that it really pissed me off in an ugly way and eroded what little
friendship or respect I have for her. " I said, seeing myself doing it
forcefully in my muddled imagination, flags waving, people clapping, rolling over in her grave.
" Excellent! Not - scoot before I have to bill you for my next session."
Dr. Cody laughed as I giggled and exited her office. As I got into my car,
Now that it was all over...all the doubts and fears I'd had before my time
with Dr. Cody came bubbeling up from inside me like familiar dark little
friends, assuring me what a fool I
d been. I scrunched up my face, determined to focus on the positive multipal
choice questions she's drummed into my head as I drove along.
1.In social situations, I have something interesting to say.
Almost never
Rarely
Sometimes
Quite often
Most of the time
As I drove home, and not to Alex's house, I let my shoulders sink and felt
like a human turd. I'd spemt over an hour with her and I hadn't even made an
interesting peep! what an Idiot!
2.Most people around me seem to be better off than I am.
Strongly disagree
Somewhat agree
Strongly agree
Why was I doing this? Paying good money for a stranger to lecture me about
stuff I all ready know, but am too weak to practice? What a stupid door matt
she must think me, right? Rehearsing the litany of cheezy positive
affirmations parading through my head, while the clearity of the ugly truth
sits right before me: MY silly moods aren't important enough to bother even
someone I'm paying with! Making a fool of myself before Alex and Dr. Cody
are oddly are my only solid source of comfort and warmth I know I can rely
on.
3.I feel that I mess up everything I touch.
Most of the time.
I remember that answer. Most of the time. It's trues isn't it? I couldn't
even confront Alex about something as petty as picking up her dirty
underwear, could I? I just sit there like a dopy little puppet for Dr. Cody,
dancing around for the crumbs of her affection. Jesus! Everything I touch
gets totally messed up, thankfully! I think I would have died if Alex would
have found out how pissed I really was. She'd have laughed her ass off, I
know over what a gutless
wimp I've become. I bet she'd think I like it, huh? Cleaning up after her
like a little fool! We'll she'd be wrong!
4.People respect and like only those who are good looking, smart, witty,
talented or rich.
Somewhat agree.
I know it sounds shallow, but I had to mark that one. Beside's it's true.
People like Alex *do* have an easier life cause their better looking than a
plane jane like myself. Though I could never let Dr. Cody know, I knew why
Alex lets me clean up her smelly soiled and dirty dishes. We both
know it, but we dance around it - cause it's such an ugly truth.
I know it when I'm alone in her bedroom and my hearts beating madly and with
shaky fingers I force myself to secretly bury my face in arm-pit area of the
sleeve's of her blouses - just to see if their stinky enough to wash. That's
all. It's a disgusting chore, and Alex doesn't even know I do it and would
probably just laugh if she knew, and I hate *having* to do it - but do you
think I'd be doing it if she weren't so sensuous and witty and so much more
polished a person than me? see?
5.I am afraid of being rejected by my friends.
Most of the time
I don't even feel bad about this one, but it doesn't count cause I don't
really have that many friends. It doesn't bother me though. Dr. Cody doesn't
count cause she's paid to like me, and she's more like my than a
friend. I thought Alex was a friend, but I'm still peeved she lets me pick
up after her like I'm a big fucking nothing! Where does she get the nerve?
Silently letting me suffer like that? I wish I could risk telling her off
like Dr. Cody said, but if Alex got pissed, then I wouldn't even have her,
as pathetic as that sounds. I won't even go into boyfriends.
6.If I don't do as well as others, it means that I am an inferior person.
Agree.
This is a trick question, since I clearly *can't* do as well as others.
There's, like, everyone else, then there's, like, me. Sometimes it makes me
angry, but I mostly accept it. When Dr. Cody tries to feed me full of all
that "goody-two-shoes" crap, I secretly think of how inferior she really
knows I am. I think she likes me that way,
so I'll keep coming back to her and pay her. I think she gets off on it. Not
in some weird sexual way, but just in having the power she has over me as a
counselor. She'd say the power "I give her", but that's a bunch of crap.
Actually, I think there is something erotic and about how Dr. Cody
keeps asking me about sniffing Alex's and stuff. Why is that so
interesting to her? huh? maybe she gets off on inferior confessing
weird stuff they do when their room mates aren't around. Maybe she's some
weird or something. Who knows?
7.I could disappear from the surface of the earth, and nobody would notice.
Disagree
I think my dad would eventually notice. And they'd notice at work, I'm sure.
This is a totally stupid question, isn't it? Do they think I'm stupid? Who
writes this stuff? And what kind of loser am I to be sweating over it? God I
hate myself for getting all weird and lurid and stuff when I act
so.....stupid! What's kind of freak am I?
I wonder why I only get angry in my head and never out loud? I don't think
I've ever raised my voice once in my whole life, not even to Dr. Cody. Is
that sad or what? I wonder if Dr. Cody would miss me if I disappearded?
Probably not. She'd miss the checks. I hope Dr. Cody doesn't think I'm a
lesbian cause I make such a fuss over Alex and hand wash her and
bras and stuff? That's not too weird is it? Naw. I think are weird.
What's up with them anyways? They repulsive, they really are. Not to be
prejudice or anything, but if Dr. Cody thinks anything kind of weird thoughts, then I'm *really* glad our sessions are over!
8.I feel I can make mistakes without losing the love or respect of others.
Rarely
There is, like, totally zero margin for mistakes when Alex was running our
lives. She'd lives like a total piggy and sleeps with strange she drag
home from clubbing till 4: AM , then sleep in till 2: PM and know darned
good and well who'd be on her knees scraping up the beer stains off the
carpet, leaving me hoping *god knows* whatever mess she and her boyfriend
leave on the sheets wouldn't soak through to the mattress. I was terrified
of being blamed if Alex's boyfriends *juices* ruined my mattress or
something.
I also got freaky when I'd blow on of Dr. Cody's questions on self esteem,
which is lame, but it's just a huge responsibility to keep her fooled into
believeing that everything's okay. (whew!) At least that's over!
9.I will never amount to anything significant.
Agree
Shoot. Why even bother to disagree? Why couldn't Alex and that strange guy
get drunk and mess up *her* mattress? Why soil mine? Why didn't she read my
hurt expression when she laughed drunkenly about accidentally on it?
I can't believe I took it when I moved. It's practically ruined now, and
partly from male seed and my stinky urine. I feel insignificant over how use
to the aroma I get and how easy it's getting to bury my face
in it each night. Sometimes I miss her, and sadly, this reminds me of how
much she needed me. But I could just see Alex's face if I confronted
her about it. Even though she drives me nuts, I really couldn't risk hurting
her like that. I know she does love me, and
secretly relies on my help. What's she gonna do now that I'm gone?
Who'll pick up after her?
10.I don't need other people's approval in order to be happy and satisfied
with myself.
Strongly disagree
I'm *really* into approval, and though I've never told Dr. Cody, it makes me
feel, sensuous when people approve
of me, but even more weirdly, the feeling gets even stronger when they
disappointed in me! Alex never voiced
her approval but she didn't have too. I new she was satisfied and approved
of me when she ate off one of my
fresh plates or snuggled into something clean I'd washed for her. And that
was enough, until I moved out. I'm
ashamed of how Dr. Cody's approval makes me feel. I think it's her influence that she uses to confuse
me, cause I'm really not hung up on women! I do feel a certain - flush when
I've parroted one of her slogans
back
to her like a good little patient. But when I feel Alex or Dr. Cody disses
me,....well, let's not even go there!
(blush)
11.Someone that stands up to me or disagrees with me may still very well
like and respect me.
Strongly disagree
I know Dr. Cody said I could do this, but she was just being polite. God
knows she probably all ready thinks of
me for trying on Alex's dirty bras and nylons in private. I'm not sure why I
do it, but I'm sure it sounded
weird to respectable woman like Dr. Cody, even if she is a repressed lesbo.
She's probably judging and laughing
at me me right now! I won't even get into Alex and daring to stand up to
her. She'd leave me in a second - and
then where would I be? Alex knows she wont last long on her own and she
knows we'll be back to together
again. I won't even be cruel when she comes crawling back, but I can't risk
a confrontation - especially not
with
someone I need and who needs me as much as her! I sometimes can't stop
thinking about her box though.
12.By ignoring a problem, you can make it go away.
Somewhat agree
I know this sounds like sticking your head in a bucket, but it does work.
That's how I got into living with
Alex. I was sick of cleaning up stuff for my mom, then she passed away and I
just pretended she wasn't gone
after all, and then Alex showed up and we started up just like I did with
mommy. Only I never got so personal
with mom's under garments and didn't party like my Alex does. And I
Ignored a lot of the truly sick
stuff Alex did a few years back with the hairdryer and the bag od poop and
all that ugly stuff, let alone her
stealing my....well, never mind. It's in the past and over. But, the point is,
the problem of Alex being so mean
when we first met and my needing someone after went away worked itself
out, did not it?
13.Unlike others, I really have to go out of my way to make and keep a
friend.
Agree
I wish I could have at least one friend who I didn't pay or I didn't pick
up after. Maybe I'm such a bitter
pathetic
doormat I don't deserve one. Okay, I lied. Alex's boyfriend used to me mine,
not hers. Somehow she twisted
things around and she stole him away and she also used her fingers in a
brutal display of aggression and
caught
me in a weak moment and I did some stuff with a hair dryer that streached my
insides in a way that still's
embarrassing to discuss and Dr. Cody made me tell her the whole thing and
I'm just sick about her knowing
cause now she *really * knows I'm a weird for getting off on such
weirdness!!! I just sometimes wish I could
go back and show up at Alex's door and she'd take me back and let me
lovingly and loyally scoop her kitty
litter like a good little roomie.
I can't believe she kicked me out.
Yeah, I lied to Dr. Cody about that too. I wonder if Dr. Cody knows ?
Probably. I just wanted to save a little
face
and make it sound like I did the leaving, was the strong one. dang it - I
was sure Alex needed me and I'd
made myself useful to her somehow
14. If someone ever falls in love with me, I better do my best to prove
worthy, because it may well never
happen to me again.
I'm sorry. I can't even answer that one. The tears keep coming and I'm sick
of fooling myself. Alex's gone and
she'll never take me back. !!! I'm a fucking loser, cause I love her. That's
right - I admit it!!! I'm fucking in love
with my room mate and a fucking closet lezzie! Go ahead laugh! I can't count
how many times I've passionately
and deeply warmed Alex's insides with my tongue so my former boyfriend could
slid inside her and pump her
full of his semen. It made my stomach churn to watch as I caught their
excesses as it hit the mattress. I licked
it up proudly, and not just cause my was doing flip flops!
I can't tell you how I've memorized the sick little smirk on her face, the
look of embarrassment on his, and the
glassy eyed stare Dr. Cody got when I recounted the whole bizarre episode to
her, and how those shameful
moments caused my desperately sniffing of Alex's clothes days afterwards.
My sexual highs from the
degradation and sickening shame of what Id happily go through to be treated
like shit by her. I can't stop
crying thinking about how I'm not worthy of her. Of her juices or her
discharge or her poo poo poo or pee or
any part of her!!! Wasn't that enough? Wasn't I enough? Shit. The answer's
obvious isn't it? Obviously not. I'm a
fucking fool, aren't I? Not worth a lover or a friend. Now all I have for my
stupid crush on my ex- room mates
is a few of her dirty bras and and her
(my) soiled mattress for a keep sake.
15 .Being myself is a guarantee that people will dislike me.
I'm not going to agree with this one;
I have proof.
Here's where I showed up after I left the session with Dr. Cody.
******************
I sat in my car and stared at the building. I tried to screw up my courage
to open the door and walk up. And say
what? Confess what a weakling I am for caring? How I lack so little self
esteem I can't even walk away from
a
lover who never gave a shit about me and whom I still need? Whom won't even
let me clean up after her, bury
my face in her soiled and stinky clothes like precious trophies? Who's smear
my inner most feelings across
her
butt like shitty paper and who I'd glad let her do it again, just for
a second chance to smile through her
dank smelly abuse?
No, I'd lost that chance, just as I'd lost my years before. I was
totally alone and desperate, and
ashamed
of how on fire I was below as I played openly with myself below my skirt. I
didn't even wipe my hands on a
tissue as I got out of the car and walked to the door, my hands trembling in
fear as I unhalled my own odors in
a heated fog of shame and desperation for any kind of love. I knocked on the
door. She answered, that familer
face.
"Sherry , what are you doing here? How did you know where I lived?."
" Dr. Cody, I just.....er...I'm sorry, please don't think me weird, but I
followed you. Can I come in? Please?" I
asked hiding my fingers behind my back as she stared puzzledly at me, but
holding the door a few inches
apart.
" I'm quite tired today Sherry . If you'd like to schedule some new
appointments - " she said a little coldly as I
jumped in.
" Please. I need to..." I said near tears.
" Yes?"
" Can I just...uh...clean your box? please? I know it sounds..." I said my
face scarlet and knees shaking as I
looked down.
" Sherry , if I let you clean my kitty litter, how would that be any
different than the way Alex used to abuse
you? " she asked shaking her head.
" please? " I said desperate for some sign she'd allow me into her life and
some humiliating perverse sexual
relief. She looked quietly as I stood there with quivering lips, praying I'd
find some need, some way to plug
into her life, somehow some way.
" I'm sorry Sherry , but you're a patient. It's wrong and we both know it.
I'm a doctor." she said not moving an
inch as she tried to look away.
" Please doctor Cody, I need you, like a little girl. I'm weak and I can't
make it alone. I lied when I said I could,
and we both know it. I can- do stuff...for you...." I said not looking up and
staring at her shoes as my hands
reached for my waste.
" Sherry , this is pathetic. Now..." her voice suddenly got as she saw
my plop in a little circle
around
my ankles.
I felt her roughly pull me inside and the door slam behind me. I stood there
in the darkness of her living room
with my around my ankles, her fingers roaming my pubis in the
darkness as I leaned against the door
besides myself. Her hands found their way up my skirt and she furiously slid
finger slid into me rhythmically.
" Okay, here's the rules. You pay me double my hourly rate and meet me here
once a week each evening, and your
to do everything I say without question cause I'm sill your Dr. Cody,
understand?" She whispered in a nervous
voice, trying to sound firm. I moaned a positive reply , but could no longer
hide my tears. I felt her hand to my
face.
" Sherry , what is it? " she said feeling my wet cheeks.
" Dr. Cody, if we do this, does this mean, like, were *lovers* now?" I
asked in a whisper.
" No." she said as she wiped my tears and continues finger fucking me.
" How about...friends?" I whispered riding her finger and swallowing my and anger.
" Wait here for a sec- "she admonished as she pulled her finger out and
slurped it into her mouth, started down
the hall away from me and toward the bathroom. Dr. Cody rummaged through her
bathroom closet as I bit my
lip
as my desperate hopes hung in the air. I started playing with myself through
my tears as I heard her
mumbling
to herself and my heart sank at her answer to my question.
" Where *is* that hairdryer?"
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