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The following piece of fiction contains strong sexual
content and is meant to be read only by adults. If you
are not at least 18 years old, or if you are offended by
this type of material, please do not read any further.
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"The Tingle"
A Seinfeld Episode
by DG
___________________________________________________
The coffee shop. Jerry is sitting alone in a booth
reading the menu, which he knows by heart.
___________________________________________________
Elaine Benes walked into the coffee shop at the usual time
and sat down across from Jerry Seinfeld in their usual booth.
"Hi Elaine."
"Hi Jerry."
The big, pink-uniformed waitress came over, poured them both
coffee, and asked "What'll it be?"
"The usual."
"The usual."
The waitress nodded and shuffled away.
"So how's it going?" asked Jerry. "You look kinda tired.
Hot date last night?"
Elaine shook her head and made a face, her thick,
swishing back and forth. "No date. I just went out with a
girlfriend - Alyssa, from Pendant publishing. She works for an
internet company now. Remember her?"
"Let's see: about five-five, a hundred and ten pounds, long
blond hair, cute little button nose, great body, worked in
accounting?"
"Yeah, that's right," she snorted. "You know, how well a
guy remembers a woman is directly proportional to how attractive
she is, isn't it?"
Jerry nodded and raised his eyebrows. "Now that you mention
it, that's exactly right. Very perceptive of you."
"Thanks." She stirred her coffee for a few seconds, and
said rhetorically "So you think Alyssa is attractive."
"Yes, she's quite comely, as a matter of fact. I wanted to
ask her out, but you wouldn't let me, remember?"
"Right, it was too soon after we broke up."
"It was two years after we broke up!"
"Was it? Sorry."
"Yeah well, she wasn't really my type anyway. She's kind of
a giggler, as I recall. A little giggling is OK, but I really
prefer a regular laugh to a giggle."
Elaine shook her head wonderingly and said "And you wonder
why you're still single."
"I'm a comedian, Elaine - the laugh is important. So why do
you bring it up? Did she ask about me?"
"Nope." Elaine looked around to make sure no one was
eavesdropping, and then leaned closer across the table. "I'm
going to tell you something, but you've got to put it in the
vault, all right?"
Jerry made a zipping motion across his lips. "In the vault,
you got it."
"OK. Alyssa and I went out to dinner, and then we went out
to a bar and had some drinks. We talked about all the problems we
had with men, what losers they all are, that sort of thing. We
both got a little tipsy."
"This is just fascinating, Elaine."
"OK, ok. Alyssa started telling me how she had a crush on
this back in college, and now she was wondering if maybe she
was a closet and that's why she can't find a she's
happy with. She's kind of a touchy-feely type, and while she was
telling me this she put her hand on my knee." Her voice fell to a
near-whisper. "And it tingled."
"What?"
"It tingled."
"What tingled? Your knee?"
Elaine looked annoyed. "It. Tingled," she said a little
louder.
Jerry's eyes suddenly got wide. "Ohhhhh! It tingled!"
"Shhhhh!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. It definitely tingled."
"Doesn't it sometimes just tingle, sort of randomly?"
"No, not like this. This was a more purposeful tingle."
Jerry nodded thoughtfully. "Uh, just so we're clear, we're
talking about your pussy, right?"
"Yes, Jerry, we're talking about my pussy."
Neither of them had seen Kramer walk into the coffee shop.
"Hey! What are you two talking about? You look like you're
planning a crime or something, all hunched over the table like
that."
Elaine jerked upright, spilling her coffee. She put her
hand on her chest and said "God, Kramer, you scared the hell out
of me. Do you have to yell?"
Kramer slid in next to Jerry. "So what are you talking
about?"
Jerry said "Well, as a matter of fact, we were on the
extremely interesting subject of -"
Elaine gave him a look that could have cut through steel.
"- dandruff," he finished smoothly. "I mean, when you use
one of those medicated shampoos do you really have to feel that
little tingle to know it's working? Can't it just work without
that special little tingle?"
Elaine gave him a dirty look, but then had to laugh.
"No, no, no," said Kramer. "You don't want to use that
stuff. Orange juice mixed with heavy cream - that's the best
thing for dandruff."
"Oh, right, that sounds like something I want to put in my
hair," said Jerry.
The subject having been successfully changed, they chatted
for a little while and then Kramer looked at his watch.
"I gotta run. Time to pick up my new computer." He rubbed
his hands together gleefully. "I'm very excited."
"I didn't know you were into computers," said Elaine.
"Well, I wasn't - I thought they were just big paperweights.
But I was over at Newman's apartment the other day and he really
opened my eyes to the possibilities. Did you know you can see
pictures of people having sex right on your screen?"
"Yes Kramer," said Elaine with distaste. "Everyone knows
that."
"Well, nobody told me. I'll see you two later." He
finished his coffee in one long gulp and headed out.
"Nice of him to drop by for a chat," said Elaine
sarcastically.
"The good news is, he won't come out of his apartment for
weeks now. Now, where were we...oh yes! You were telling me
about your experience with Alyssa."
"Very funny. Nothing happened, of course. But now I can't
stop thinking about it."
"Look, what's the big deal? You know you like - you've
always liked men. You know what team you're on...why are you so
worried?"
"Well, what if I like women too but I just never realized
it? I mean, to use your silly metaphor, I've never played for the
other team, so how do I know I wouldn't like it?"
"Hmmm - this is interesting. You think you might want to
play for both teams at the same time?"
"I'm not doing very well on my current team, Jerry. Maybe
if I spent some time in the other league, it would help my game."
He spread his hands apart and said "Well maybe it would.
Tell me, are you attracted to Alyssa? Other than the tingle, I
mean?"
Elaine scrunched up her face and looked at him for a few
seconds. "Yeah, I guess I am. I can't believe I'm telling you
this. I really shouldn't be telling you this."
"It always helps to talk about these things, Elaine. In my opinion,
I think it would be healthy for you to explore these new urges. And
when you do, I'll be here for you, to help you sort out your feelings."
She gave him a disgusted look. "You just want me to have
sex with a woman and then tell you all the details."
"You've got me all wrong! I'm just here for you, as a
friend!" The wide smile on his face didn't help his case.
"Well, there's one major problem with this scenario."
"You don't know if Alyssa is attracted to you?"
Elaine looked at him like he was crazy. "Why wouldn't she
be? Of course she's attracted to me."
Jerry put his hands up defensively and said "Of course she
would be. I'm sure she is. I don't know what I was thinking."
"The problem is that I set her up on a date with George."
Jerry almost choked on his coffee. "You what! Why?"
"I don't know...she was telling me how she was tired of
dating the same kind of guy all the time, how she wanted to try
something different. I didn't realize until later that she was
talking about women! So for some reason I mentioned George."
"Well, he's certainly different, all right. Is Alyssa
really that desperate, that she would agree to go out with
George?"
"Well, it's not I like I told her George was a loser...I
think I told her he was 'refreshingly unassuming', and she thought
that sounded terrific."
"'Refreshingly unassuming' - nicely put. I guess you
probably forgot to mention he was unemployed and living with his
parents."
"I must have been really hammered," moaned Elaine, shaking
her head. "I can't believe this - I'm actually competing with
George Costanza for a woman. Just shoot me, will you?"
Jerry patted her hand and said "Don't be so hard on
yourself, Lanie. This could actually work out to your benefit.
If she isn't a now, a few dates with George will do the
trick. I bet Alyssa dumps George after one date and then you can
move right in."
_______________________________________________________
A quiet restaurant. George is sitting across a
food-strewn table from an attractive woman.
_______________________________________________________
George Costanza narrowed his eyes and looked suspiciously at
the attractive seated across from him.
"You do?"
"Yes, George - I think it's really nice that you live with
your parents. I mean, it must be wonderful for them to have you
around all the time."
"Oh, absolutely." He nodded solemnly, and his voice took
on a self-important tone. "They need me, Alyssa. My is
always saying: 'Georgie' - she calls me Georgie - 'Georgie, it's
so good of you to live with us. I don't know what we would ever
do if you moved out.'"
Alyssa nodded, a little glint of desperation in her eyes.
"That's really touching, George."
'Touching, my ass - it's pathetic,' she thought to herself.
As George launched into a discussion of his parents' finer
qualities, she forced herself to smile and nod. What did Elaine
see in this guy, anyway? Elaine was so funny, so smart,
so...sexy. And George -
"...they keep offering to move down to Florida, to 'get out
of my way', but I won't hear of it - as if your own beloved
parents could ever be a bother! I tell them that it's an honor to
share the same roof with them, that..."
George was a loser. But if this was what it took to get
closer to Elaine, then this was what she would do.
"You want to go back to my place, George?" she asked
abruptly.
George looked at her like she was putting him on. "Your
place?"
"Well, much as I'd love to meet your parents, I think we
might feel more comfortable..." She raised her eyebrow
meaningfully.
"Right. Right! Your place! Sure, your place would be
good. What am I saying, good - it would be great! I mean, not
great in the sense that I'm expecting, uh, that we're going to -"
"OK, let's go," she interrupted mercifully.
"Right."
________________________________________________
A short time later, in Alyssa's nicely decorated
apartment.
________________________________________________
Alyssa didn't waste any time seducing George. As soon as
she closed the front door, she put her arms around his neck and
kissed him on the lips. George was too startled to respond.
"I always like to have sex early in the relationship," she
said, unbuttoning her blouse. "Otherwise it just sort of gets in
the way, don't you think?"
"Absolutely," croaked George. "That's my philosophy
exactly."
"Well then, the bedroom is this way."
In the back of his mind, George was thinking this was much
too good to be true: there had to be a catch somewhere. He
cautiously followed Alyssa into her bedroom, and watched
admiringly as she took off her blouse and then her skirt,
revealing her matching black and bra. Her body was even
better than he had expected: large, round breasts, a narrow
waist, lush womanly hips...raising his eyes from her cleavage, he
noticed that she was looking at him expectantly, and he realized
he was still fully dressed.
"Oh - sorry. I guess I'm a little behind." He gave her
what he hoped was an elegant smile and began undressing, starting
with his parka. As he lowered his pants, he wished that he hadn't
worn his Sylvester and Tweetie boxer shorts.
Alyssa came over and put her arms around him again, and this
time George kissed her back in a long passionate embrace. They
both felt his erection poking her in the stomach, and she reached
down and pulled his cock out of the flap in the boxer shorts.
Looking down, it appeared to her that Tweetie bird was perched on
George's modest appendage, and she had to choke off a laugh.
"Let's get these boxers off, shall we?"
She helped him get out of the shorts, and then she kneeled
in front of him. Summoning her resolve, she took his cock into
her mouth in one gulp.
"Sweet Jesus!" said George.
Alyssa his cock expertly for a few minutes, until she
had him moaning and bucking his hips. Then, not wanting him to
come in her mouth, she stood up and then reached behind her back
and unhooked her bra. George caught his breath in anticipation of
seeing her naked.
"There's just one thing, before we go any farther," she
said, holding the bra against her with both hands. "I'm a
little nervous to tell you this..."
George, who still had a nagging feeling that things were
going much too smoothly, steeled himself for the worst. 'Please,
please, please, don't tell me you used to be a man,' he thought to
himself.
He swallowed hard and said "What is it?"
________________________________________________
Jerry's apartment - George and Jerry are talking.
________________________________________________
"Oh my God!" said Jerry, his eyes wide. "You're kidding!
Nipple rings?"
"In both nipples," said George, beaming. "And she was
actually worried that I might find it unattractive!"
"Perish the thought!"
"Now a penis - that would be unattractive."
"Very much so," agreed Jerry.
"But nipple rings are hot." George jumped up from the
couch, too excited to sit still. "I'm busting, Jerry, just
busting! She's unbelievable! I think she might be the one.
I owe Elaine big-time for this."
"Elaine will be *so* thrilled for you. You know how she
loves to make other people happy." The irony in Jerry's voice
went right over George's head.
"Alyssa even got me a job at her company, can you
believe that? I got a job and a girlfriend in the same night."
"A job, really? Doing what?"
"You're looking at the new Erotic Internet Marketing
Strategist at Lovenet Communications," said George proudly. "I
start tomorrow."
Jerry couldn't help laughing. "The new what? Did you say
erotic?"
George nodded. "That's right. They run a bunch of adult
web sites. It's a booming business these days, according to
Alyssa."
"But you don't know anything about programming web sites.
You don't even know very much about sex...what exactly are you
going to be doing?"
Spreading his hands, George said "Who knows - a job's a job.
Whatever they want me to do, I'm sure I can handle it."
Just then the door opened and Kramer, Jerry's lanky neighbor
from across the hall, walked in. He was bare-chested and was
muttering to himself distractedly. Ignoring Jerry and George
completely, he walked over to the paper towel dispenser and pulled
off several sheets.
"Help yourself, Kramer," said Jerry dryly. "Mi casa, su
casa."
"Oh...thanks Jerry. I'm completely out." He sliced his arm
through the air for emphasis. Then he took the entire roll of paper
towels off the dispenser and took it with him back to his
apartment.
"What's with him?" asked George.
"That was your number-one customer, right there. He just
bought a computer, and he's been doing nothing but surfing the net
for porn for the last two days. His Visa bill this month is going
to be staggering."
"You see? This is big business! Alyssa says there's a ton
of money to be made in this field. And I'm going to be a player,
Jerry. A major player."
"Yeah, you're a player all right."
The door opened again, and this time it was Elaine.
"Elaine! My buddy!" George ran over to her and gave her a
bear hug. "Alyssa is great! Were going out! She's perfect for
me...you're brilliant!"
Elaine extricated herself from the hug. "What? What are
you talking about? You and Alyssa are dating?"
"They slept together last night," announced Jerry with a
smirk.
Elaine looked back and forth between them, horror-stricken.
"You slept with Alyssa?"
"That's right," said George. "I think she might be the
one...and I owe it all to you." He looked a little confused at
Elaine's negative reaction.
"Isn't that fantastic, Elaine?" said Jerry cheerfully.
"They slept together! Wild, uninhibited sex!" He was taking a
sadistic pleasure in this.
Elaine was biting her lip and staring at George like she
wanted to kill him. "Yeah, that's...great." she said with an
effort.
"I thought you would be happy," said George. "You don't
look happy."
"I'm delighted," said Elaine bitterly, collapsing onto the
couch.
George snorted. "Well, you certainly don't look it." He
looked over at Jerry, who shrugged theatrically and said "Women."
George headed for the door. "Well, I have to go. Elaine,
Alyssa told me to say hi for her."
Elaine looked up. "She did?"
George nodded. "She talked about you a lot, actually."
"Really? What did she say?"
"Oh, lots of stuff. What a good friend you are, how funny
you are, how much she likes you. She said she wishes she could
spend more time with you."
Elaine shot a triumphant look at Jerry. "Well, it was very
nice for her to say all that! Be sure and tell her that I say hi
right back at her."
"Right back at her," repeated George, glad to see that
Elaine was cheering up. "You got it."
When George had left, Jerry looked at Elaine and said "Well,
well. This is an unexpected development."
"Don't you see what's happening, Jerry? Alyssa is just
dating George so she can see me!"
"I don't know, how can you be so sure? Maybe she really
likes George."
Elaine just stared at him.
"No, I guess not. Silly me. So what are you going to do?"
"I don't know...this is kind of awkward. You think I should
call her?"
"Absolutely! This poor, tortured woman is having sex with
George just so maybe, just maybe, she can hear your voice. Don't
let her suffer a minute longer." He picked up his cordless phone
and handed it to her.
"You're right - I should call her." Elaine got up from the
couch and handed Jerry the phone back with a smile. "From the
privacy of my own apartment, Mr. Busybody."
Jerry gritted his teeth in frustration as she left.
________________________________________________________
A corporate office. A teenage in a three-piece suit
is sitting at a big mahogany desk. George is sitting
across from him, looking uncomfortable. On the walls,
clashing with the corporate decor, are several posters of
nude women.
________________________________________________________
Arnie Kitzenburger, the head of internet marketing for
Lovenet Communications, shook his head slowly as he scanned down
the sheet of paper in his hand. George felt like getting up from
his swivel chair and throttling the condescending little twerp.
"I don't know George, is this the best you can do? These
slogans aren't very catchy." His high-pitched voice took on a
sarcastic tone. "You *were* told that the slogans should be
catchy, weren't you?"
"Yes. Yes, Mr. Kitzenburger, I believe the word 'catchy'
was mentioned," said George, laughing awkwardly. Inside he was
seething - how was this little nerd, anyway? Sixteen? Not
old enough to shave, that was for sure.
The read aloud from the sheet: "Come see our hot
naked women. Our babes are hard to beat. Sexiest chicks on the
net." He laid the sheet down on his desk and stared at George
owlishly through his glasses, which were much too big for his
face.
"These slogans aren't the least bit catchy. They are
positively uncatchy! No one looking through a newsgroup or
reading their morning email is going to be intrigued or amused by
this lifeless drivel. It isn't even graphic! No mention of
orgasms, or sperm, or even tits."
"I'm sorry, Mr. Kitzenburger," said George, who was a pro at
groveling. "It is my first day, after all. I'll get back to
work, and come up with something better for you tomorrow."
"See that you do, George. Or you won't last long at Lovenet
Communications. Dismissed."
______________________________________________________
Elaine and Alyssa are sitting in a restaurant together.
______________________________________________________
"I'm so glad you called me last night," said Alyssa, smiling
at Elaine and taking a sip of wine.
"Well, after you said such nice things about me to George...
I thought it would be nice if we saw each other more regularly."
Alyssa looked down at her plate. "Actually, I was worried
that I turned you off the other night, telling you all that stuff
about how I was attracted to women. I must have been pretty
drunk."
"Oh that," said Elaine, blushing. "No, that didn't turn me
off, Alyssa. Really, that didn't bother me at all."
Alyssa smiled at her, making eye contact. "Well that's a
relief."
Elaine swallowed nervously. This was difficult. "So George
tells me you two really hit it off the other night. That's really
great."
Alyssa made a little face. "Well, I don't know. George and
I..."
There was a pause, and then she said "Elaine, I have a
confession to make. I didn't really want to go out with George.
I just did it because..."
"Because what?" urged Elaine.
"Because I wanted to be with you. You told me how you and
George and Jerry and that other guy, the weird guy, always hang
out...I thought if I was dating George, I would see you more
often."
"Are you saying...?"
Alyssa nodded. "Yes. I'm sorry if I'm making you feel
uncomfortable. But I want you to know that I have a crush on you."
"Alyssa..." Elaine was, for once in her life, at a loss for
words. "I'm not sure, but I think I'm attracted to you too. It's
just that I'm not...I don't...I've never..."
"There's always a first time." Alyssa reached out and took
Elaine's hand.
"Oh! There it is again," said Elaine with a giggle.
"There's what?"
"The tingle."
"Ohhh, the tingle!" Alyssa winked at her. "I've got one
too. You know, my apartment is just two blocks away..."
"Don't take this the wrong way," said Elaine. "But I really
think I need a few more drinks first."
Alyssa giggled and squeezed her hand. "You and me both.
Waiter!"
_____________________________________________________
Jerry's apartment. George is sitting despondently on
the couch.
_____________________________________________________
"Tough day at the office?" asked Jerry.
"It was awful," moaned George. "My first day on the job,
and they actually wanted me to do some work! No easing-in period,
no time to arrange my desk and settle in...they wanted results!"
He took off his glasses and rubbed his face. "I'm already in
danger of being fired."
"Sounds like a real sweatshop. What do they have you
doing?"
"Writing advertising slogans for their adult web sites.
Short, catchy little phrases to induce people to log on and spend
their money. My boss is this teenage dweeb who didn't like
anything I wrote."
"Advertising slogans?" said Jerry suspiciously.
"Right. They put them everywhere - newsgroups, banners on
other web sites...they even email them to people."
"George, that's spam!" Jerry's voice became shrill with
emotion. "Don't you know what's happening here? They're turning
you into a spammer!"
George looked at him like he was crazy. "A spammer? What
are you talking about?"
"Spam! It's the scourge of the internet! I log into my
comedy newsgroup, and it's crammed so full of this stuff you can't
find the real messages. Sperm this! Anal that! Teenage bimbos
in heat!" He stopped to catch his breath.
"Take it easy, Jerry. It's just a job."
"Just a job! George, you have to quit. If this gets out,
you'll be an outcast from society - a pariah. Everyone hates
spam. Especially dirty spam."
"I can't quit. Alyssa got me this job, remember? If I quit
she'll dump me like a week-old egg salad sandwich. Besides, how
would becoming an outcast from society change my life?"
"Well..." Jerry realized he couldn't think of a single
thing. George was basically on the fringes of society already.
"I just think that you -"
Just then the door opened and Kramer stumbled in, wearing
nothing but a pair of stained polyester slacks. He looked around
the apartment with glazed eyes, ignoring Jerry and George, until
he spotted Jerry's computer in the corner of the living room. He
walked over to it and unplugged the keyboard.
"My keyboard is, uh, on the fritz," he mumbled. He tucked
Jerry's keyboard under his arm and headed back into his apartment,
banging into the doorway as he left.
"How do you like that?" said George. "Not even so much as a
hello."
"How do you think I like it?" said Jerry, shaking his head.
"Listen Jerry, I was really hoping you would help me with
these slogans. You're funny and creative - I bet you could come
up with some terrific ones right off the top of your head."
"Well, let's see...How about 'Come see us exploit
women!'...or maybe 'We're taking over the internet - join us or
die!'..."
"Very funny," said George tiredly.
From across the hall they heard Kramer's voice: "Oh
babeeeeee!"
"You see what this stuff does to people?" lectured Jerry.
"It's turned Kramer into a pleasure-seeking zombie. He's like one
of those lab rats that chooses the cocaine instead of the food and
starves to death."
"I think you're exaggerating a little. These web sites are
perfectly legitimate entertainment."
They argued back and forth for a little while, and then the
door opened and Kramer walked in again. This time he was fully
dressed and looked a little more alert.
"Here he is - the Lawnmower himself," said Jerry. "I
was afraid you might have been into your computer by now."
"I think I need a little break," said Kramer. "What time is
it anyway? I'm starving." He opened Jerry's fridge and started
pulling things out randomly and setting them on the counter.
"It's eight-thirty pm, on Wednesday. You've been at it for,
let's see, sixty-three hours straight."
"Whoa! Has it been that long? No wonder I'm hungry."
Kramer quickly slapped together a big, messy sandwich and sat down
next to George on the couch. "So what's going on? Did I miss
anything?"
"You missed plenty," said George. "I have a new girlfriend
and a new job, thanks to Elaine. But I'm going to lose the job,
and probably the girlfriend, because Jerry refuses to help me
out."
"What kind of a job?" asked Kramer, through a mouthful of
food.
"Erotic Internet Marketing Strategist."
Kramer nodded knowingly, swallowed, and said "Spam."
"You see?" said Jerry. "Even Kramer knows about spam."
"Oh, I know spam," agreed Kramer.
George said, "Jerry thinks that adult web sites are evil and
immoral, and he refuses to help me out. What do you think,
Kramer?"
"Oh right," said Jerry. "Let's ask the addict. Nothing
like an unbiased opinion."
"What do I think?" said Kramer. He got a faraway look in
his eyes. "Cum guzzling teens...Big-breasted whores who love it
in the ass...Barely-legal sluts who want to suck me off..." He
shook his head reflectively, a little smile on his face. "It's
all good."
"Disgusting," said Jerry, cringing.
"Hey Kramer, that's not half-bad," said George. He reached
for a pad of paper and a pencil. "In fact, it's much better than
anything I came up with today at work." He jotted down some
notes. "Maybe I'm asking the wrong guy for help."
"Maybe you are," said Kramer. "I bet I could help you out."
"Ha! Now you're talking," said George gleefully. He
clapped his hands together and shouted "I'm back in business,
baby!"
"I don't believe this," said Jerry. "I really don't."
"Just a second, George," said Kramer. "What do I get out of
this deal?"
"Um, I don't know...my undying gratitude?"
"No, no, that won't pay the piper. I need free access to
your company's web sites. I've racked up fourteen thousand
dollars in fees already - my credit cards are maxed out."
"You got it," said George. "They gave me a private access
code you can use as much as you want."
"Giddyup! Put her there, partner." Kramer shook George's
hand vigorously, causing a mustard-covered pickle to fly out of
his sandwich onto the couch.
"That's it!" said Jerry angrily. "Out of my apartment, the
both of you. I'm not going to stand around watching while you
destroy civilization as we know it."
"Not a problem," said Kramer calmly. "We'll just step over
to my place." He and George disappeared across the hall, already
deep in discussion.
_______________________________________________________
Elaine and Alyssa are walking along the street, weaving
a little and giggling like schoolgirls.
_______________________________________________________
"I can't believe you ordered a pitcher of margaritas," said
Elaine. "Did you want me to be unconscious for this?" She bumped
her hip into Alyssa, almost knocking her down, and they both
started laughing. Although certainly tipsy, neither was quite as
drunk they were pretending to be.
"Hey, I drank just as much as you," said Alyssa. "Come on,
this is one of the advantages of living in the city without a car
- you can go out and get drunk whenever you want - no worries
about DWI."
Elaine burst into a fresh gale of laughter. "I'm surprised
they haven't based a tourism campaign on that. 'Come to the Big
Apple and get Shitfaced'".
"Here's my building," said Alyssa. They went into the lobby
and stumbled onto the waiting elevator, and Alyssa hit the button
for the seventh floor.
"Slowest elevator in New York," she said.
"Too bad," said Elaine. They were standing elbow to elbow
facing the front of the elevator, and she leaned against Alyssa
until they were pressed close together with Alyssa's shoulders
against the wall. She could smell Alyssa's perfume, and the not-
unpleasant smell of lime and tequila on her breath.
"Uh oh - are you falling over?" asked Alyssa quietly. She
turned towards Elaine until they were standing face to face.
"Nope. Doin' just fine." They both felt the sudden
electricity between them. It occurred to Elaine that she was used
to craning her head up at someone at this point, and the thought
made her giggle.
"What's so funny?"
"I was thinking it would be nice to kiss someone who isn't
two feet taller than me."
"Oh, right." This couldn't very well just hang in the air,
of course. Alyssa slowly leaned forward and kissed Elaine softly
on the lips. At the same moment that their lips met, they also
felt their press together.
They held the kiss awkwardly for several seconds, enjoying
it but not turning it into a tongue session. Then the elevator
stopped and they quickly stepped apart as the doors opened onto an
empty hall.
"Wow," said Elaine, her voice a little shaky.
"Wow is right."
Inside Alyssa's apartment, they stood looking at each other
for a few seconds.
"Well," said Elaine.
"I think the thing to do," said Alyssa, "is not to think
about this too much and lose our momentum."
"Good point." Elaine decided to take the initiative. She
threw her arms around Alyssa's neck and kissed her hard on the
lips. Alyssa hugged her back, and then slid her hands down and
squeezed Elaine's ass. This made her jump, and they both started
laughing through the kiss.
"Frisky aren't you?" said Elaine.
"Am I going to fast for you, little girl?"
Instead of answering, Elaine kissed her again, and this time
she pushed her tongue into Alyssa's mouth. Alyssa responded
eagerly, and after a while Elaine reached down and fondled
Alyssa's ass. It was softer and rounder than a guy's ass, but
there was a nice firm layer of muscle underneath.
"Want to go into the bedroom?" asked Alyssa finally. They
were both flushed and breathing heavily.
"Lead the way."
In the bedroom Elaine kicked off her shoes and jumped
playfully onto the bed. Alyssa watched her with a smile on her
face and started to get undressed.
"Oh God, we're really doing this aren't we," said Elaine.
She stood up and they helped each other undress, giggling and
laughing quietly.
"Nipple rings! No way...ouch!"
"Guys love them," said Alyssa. "Plus they make me horny all
the time."
Elaine reached out and touched Alyssa's breast, cupping it
in her palm to feel its warm weight, and then gently pinching the
nipple and playing with the gold ring.
"As if having big isn't enough," she said. "It's like
gilding the lily."
They sat down next to each other on the bed, and then Alyssa
gently pushed Elaine onto her back and kissed her small, round
breasts, flicking at her nipples with her tongue. Elaine squirmed
and cooed as Alyssa continued to play with her breasts, and then
she gasped with anticipation as Alyssa started working her way
downward, covering Elaine's stomach with a trail of warm kisses as
she headed for her pussy.
_______________________________________________________
Jerry's apartment. Jerry is getting ready to go to bed.
_______________________________________________________
The phone rang and Jerry walked out of the bedroom in his
pajamas and picked it up, wondering who would be calling at this
hour.
"Hello?"
"Jerry? It's Elaine. Did I wake you up?"
"No, not quite. What's up?"
"Guess where I was all evening..." Her voice was excited
and playful.
"Ummm..." Jerry tried to think of something witty, but then
another thought occurred to him. "Wait a second! Were you with
Alyssa?"
Elaine's giggle told him he had guessed right. "Yep. We
had dinner together and then we went back to her place."
"Lanie! What happened? Tell me everything." He sat down
on the couch, gripping the phone tightly.
"Well, I'm not going to tell you *everything*..."
"So did you...?"
"Yes, I'm afraid we did. For hours."
Jerry felt his cock start to twitch and grow. Fantasies of
Elaine and Alyssa in bed together had been dominating his thoughts
for days, and now she was telling him it actually happened.
"So how was it? Up to expectations?" He tried to keep his
voice neutral.
"Quite up to expectations...I didn't even have to fake it."
"Very funny," said Jerry. Faking orgasms was a sore point
between them.
"So are you feeling guilty about this at all?"
"This is the nineties, Jerry - lesbianism is in. Why would
I feel guilty?"
"I was thinking about George. He's supposed to be dating
Alyssa, remember? I don't think he's going to appreciate this."
"Ohhhh - poor Georgie. I was right - Alyssa was just dating
him because of me. She's going to end it with George tomorrow."
"Tomorrow is going to be a tough day for George all around,"
said Jerry, thinking about Kramer's inane spam slogans. "So, to
quote the Queen of England, what exactly is it that do?"
"I knew you were going to ask me that! Well, you know the
'other thing' that I'm always complaining don't do?"
"I did that to you once or twice," protested Jerry.
"Well Alyssa and I did a *lot* of the other thing, and it
was fantastic."
Jerry's cock was now painfully erect. He pushed down the
waistband of his pajama bottoms and gripped it in his hand. The
thought of Elaine and Alyssa going down on each other drove him
crazy.
"So you like doing the other thing?" he asked, squeezing his
cock.
"Well, giving isn't quite as much fun as receiving, but I
liked it just fine."
Jerry was stroking himself shamelessly now. "Details,
Elaine...I want details. Did you like the taste?"
"The taste? I'm not going to say anything about - Jerry!
Why are you breathing like that?"
"I'm not breathing like anything...Except maybe I'm coming
down with a cold..."
"I know what you're doing! Cut it out right now, or I'm
going to start charging you three ninety-five a minute."
Jerry moaned with frustration. "Elaine...Why did you call
me, anyway? You just wanted to torture me?"
"I'm sorry, Jerry. I just felt like talking to
someone...I'm all wound up. Let's change the subject."
"OK, fine. So...what are you wearing?"
"Absolutely nothing. Goodbye, Jerry."
Jerry tossed the phone aside and pounded the couch with his
fist. Another sleepless night loomed ahead.
________________________________________________
George is back in Arnie Kitzenburger's office at
Lovenet Communications...
________________________________________________
"I have some new slogans for you to look at, Mr.
Kitzenburger." George took a folded sheet of paper out of his
pocket, smoothed it out, and set it on the big desk. "I hope
you'll find these more suitable."
"I hope so too, George."
George watched anxiously as Arnie Kitzenburger scanned
quickly down the sheet, raised his eyebrows, and then started over
again at the top. The boy's lip twitched, and then he started
making a funny sound in his throat. For a second George thought
he was choking on something, but then he realized Arnie
Kitzenburger was laughing.
"Sperm-berping Queens...I love that one. The misspelling
makes it much funnier - very clever."
"Clever of you to notice that, Mr. Kitzenburger." George
made a mental note to check which word Kramer had misspelled.
"Thousands of Whores taking it Doggystyle...Bare-Bottomed
Schoolgirls Getting Well Deserved Spankings...Kinky Prom
Queens...Perverted Teenagers Want to Eat your Sprack..."
He looked up at George with a new respect in his eyes.
"These are terrific, George! Just what we're looking for. I
think you've got a bright future here at Lovenet Communications."
George swelled with pride. "Thank you, Mr. Kitzenburger.
Thank you for giving me the chance to prove myself." In what was
typical behavior for him, he had completely forgotten that it was
Kramer who had written all the slogans.
"Ha ha ha! Oh, I love this one: 'Young, Dumb, and Full of
Cum.' That's the way we like 'em, isn't it George?"
"Yes sir, it certainly is!" George felt a little twinge in
his conscience, which he resolutely ignored.
Arnie pushed a button on his intercom. "Vickie, could you
come in here?"
An attractive with too much makeup and five-inch
heels came wobbling into the room. George found himself wondering
if she was a Kinky Prom Queen.
"Vickie, I want you to take these slogans over to the
advertising division and have them inputted immediately. Widest
possible distribution."
"Yes, sir."
The glanced at the sheet, gave George an inquiring
look, and left.
"We'll get some feedback on these new slogans by the end of
the day," said Arnie. "We monitor the hit rate on our sites
constantly. I have a good feeling about this batch."
"So do I, Mr. Kitzenburger, so do I."
______________________________
Jerry's apartment that evening.
______________________________
Jerry buzzed up George and prepared himself to be
sympathetic and understanding toward his hapless friend. But
before George even came into his apartment, he realized things
hadn't gone as expected.
"Kramer! You're a genius!" George was banging on Kramer's
door. "Open up!"
"What do you want?" came Kramer's muffled response.
"Your slogans! They were brilliant! Kitzenburger loved
them!"
"Great, George, great. I'm busy now."
Jerry opened his door. "I really don't think you'd want to
see Kramer right now."
"Oh, hi Jerry. I guess you're right." George glided into
Jerry's apartment like he was walking on air.
"So they liked the slogans," said Jerry. "I must admit, I'm
a little surprised. I guess there's no accounting for taste."
"Liked them? They loved them! Kitzenburger had them
plugged in this morning, and by this afternoon the hit rate was up
by thirty-seven percent across the board!"
"So your job is safe?"
"Safe? I'll tell you how safe it is - I got promoted!"
"Promoted! Congratulations...I guess you'll be the King of
Spam before long."
"Thanks. This is unbelievable...I'm going to be a player,
Jerry - I can feel it."
"Did you talk to Alyssa today?"
"Oh, yeah, I did. That was a little awkward, actually."
"I'm sure it was."
"But she assured me that she wouldn't have a problem having
me as her boss."
Jerry's jaw dropped. "You're Alyssa's boss now?"
"That's right. This is a fast moving business - things
happen in a hurry. I'm the new golden at Lovenet
Communications. I'm like a rocket, shooting my way to the top!"
He smashed his fist into his hand for emphasis.
"So you're still going out with Alyssa then, Rocketman?"
"Yeah, of course. Why do you ask?"
"No reason. Boy, Elaine is really going to be excited when
she hears about this."
"That's right - in a way I owe this all to Elaine for
setting me up with Alyssa."
"Don't forget Kramer."
"Right - I owe it all to Elaine and Kramer."
"It's nice to have friends."
George chuckled. "It sure is. I gotta go, I'm meeting
Alyssa for dinner."
"See you later, Golden Boy."
_____________________________________________
Elaine has just arrived at Alyssa's apartment.
_____________________________________________
"Golden boy! How could George Costanza possibly be a golden
boy?" Elaine stared at Alyssa in disbelief.
"I don't know what happened," said Alyssa, obviously
distraught. "Yesterday they thought he was an incompetent putz,
and I thought for sure he wouldn't last a week. Then this
afternoon Mr. Kitzenburger calls me into his office and tells me
George is my new boss!"
"Unbelievable," said Elaine, shaking her head. "So did you
break up with him at least?"
Alyssa looked embarrassed. "Um, no. Not exactly. The
timing wasn't right."
"What do you mean, 'the timing wasn't right?'"
"Well, Mr. Kitzenburger somehow found out I was dating
George. He told me to take good care of him. If I break up with
George now, I could lose my job!"
Elaine made a face. "How can you work for George Costanza
at a place like that? Why don't you just quit?"
"I can't. I'm barely making my rent payments on this
apartment - if I lose this job I'm out on the street. I'm really
sorry about this."
Elaine shook her head in frustration. Then she took a deep
breath and said "Listen, don't worry about it. I'm sure George
will screw up soon - it's inevitable."
"I hope you're right," said Alyssa. "I thought he was
annoying before, but now that he's a big success, he's
insufferable."
Elaine moved closer to Alyssa and smiled coquettishly. "So,
what can we do to ease the pain of all this...maybe a massage?"
Alyssa held up her hands. "That would be fun, but I'm
meeting George for dinner in twenty minutes. Sorry."
"But...but...my juices are flowing!"
Alyssa gave her a pained look. "Mine too. But I have to
go."
_______________________________
Jerry's apartment, the next day
_______________________________
Jerry was putting away his groceries when the door swung
open slowly and Kramer shuffled in like a zombie.
"What do you need this time, big guy?" asked Jerry.
"Lubricant? Fresh batteries?"
Kramer shook his head dispiritedly. "It doesn't work
anymore, Jerry."
"Well, you've been overusing it, that's all. Let it rest
for a few days and it'll be as good as new."
"No, not *that*. That's still going strong. The access
code George gave me doesn't work anymore." His voice rose with
frustration. "I'm cut off!"
"Relax. They probably change them every so often, in case
some nutcase gets a hold of one and goes crazy with it."
Kramer shook his head, a look of despair etched on his face.
"What am I going to do, Jerry? I need my porn! I can't live
without it...I just can't."
"You'll manage somehow, I'm sure."
A new thought occurred to Kramer. "The teen
tournament starts tonight - live coverage! I can't miss that!"
He put his hands on his temples and squeezed his head in
desperation.
Seeing that Kramer was really in bad shape, Jerry became a
little more sympathetic. "Listen, Kramer - maybe this is for the
best." He put his arm around his friend and led him over to the
couch. "Look at yourself - you're pale, emaciated...your skin
looks like sandpaper...you need to kick this habit before it kills
you. You have to become the master of your own domain."
"I...I...I guess your right. Thanks buddy." He looked up
at Jerry with red-rimmed eyes. "I'll go get you your keyboard
back."
Jerry tried to hide his distaste. "Tell you what - why
don't you keep it. My gift to you."
"No, no, no...I should really return it - as a symbol of my
kicking the habit."
"Whatever you say. Could you maybe clean it a little
first?"
"Yeah, I'll do that. Thanks Jerry." Kramer looked a little
more cheerful as he went back to his apartment.
A few minutes later George buzzed up.
"How's the golden boy?" asked Jerry when he came in.
George shook his head. "No more golden boy. It's over,
Jerry."
"It's over? What happened? Did they fire you?"
George nodded. "They fired me, all right." He made a
slashing motion with his hand. "Just like that, boom. I'm gone."
He sighed philosophically. "I guess it was too good to last."
"Of course it was too good to last," said Jerry. "That was
obvious from the beginning. But still, it seems a little sudden."
George nodded reflectively. "One day I'm a shooting
star..."
"The next day you make a big, smoking crater in the ground,"
finished Jerry.
"Thanks. That helps a lot."
"That's what friends are for. So what happened, anyway?"
"Well, Nerdly called me into his office a couple of hours
ago. I go in, he's got a stack of paper about a foot in
front of him..."
*** Flashback to the scene in Kitzenburger's office. ***
"Do you know what this is, George?" The teenager gestured
at the stack of paper in front of him, a look of stern
disapproval on his pimpled, hairless face.
"Um...no, not really Mr. Kitzenburger." Sensing danger in
the air, George started trying to cover himself. "Remember, it's
still my first week."
"These printouts list all the traffic on our web sites via
your private access code. The technicians tell me it looks like
you gave the code out to dozens of people, in direct violation of
our strict policy."
George gritted his teeth and spat out "Kramer!" under his
breath.
"What was that?"
"Nothing...The truth is, I only gave it out to one person,
but he must have -"
Kitzenburger snorted. "Really, George. I would have
expected you to come up with a better excuse than that. There's
no way one person could have logged on this much - the usage is
around the clock, several sites at a time..." He shook his head
with insincere regret. "I'm afraid we're going to have to
terminate you."
*** Back to the apartment. ***
"And that was that?" said Jerry.
George shrugged. "If only I'd had a little warning, maybe I
could've made up a good excuse...but it took me by surprise and I
froze. I don't think it would've made any difference, though. I
think that adolescent twerp was afraid of Golden Boy, and he axed
me to keep his own job safe."
"Oh, I see...you were the innocent victim of a ruthless
power struggle. Stabbed in the back by someone jealous of your
immense success and potential..." Jerry smiled knowingly.
"That's the spin, yes," said George defensively. He
pointed at Jerry. "It might even be true, my supercilious
friend."
"Whatever helps you sleep at night."
Kramer came back into the apartment with the keyboard.
"I'll just make sure this works," he said, heading for Jerry's
computer.
George looked at Jerry a little more closely. "So what's
with you, anyway? You seem a tad grumpy these days."
Jerry nodded. "More than a tad, actually. I haven't been
getting my eight hours of sleep, and you know what that does to
me. All this talk about sex ...you with that crazy job, Kramer
yelling and moaning at all hours, Elaine - " He stopped,
remembering that he couldn't say anything about Elaine and Alyssa.
"I'm sexually frustrated, to be perfectly frank."
Just then Elaine walked in. "Hey, looks like the gang's all
here."
"Oh, great - just who I needed to see," said Jerry, throwing
up his hands.
"Nice to see you too," said Elaine, giving him a wicked grin
and a friendly poke in the ribs. "Hi Kramer. Hi George - aren't
you supposed to be at work?"
"Nope."
"He got fired," said Jerry. "They caught him posting non-
obscene messages on a newsgroup."
Elaine laughed, and then her face suddenly became serious.
"What about Alyssa?"
"Oh, I broke up with her," said George. "She wasn't the
one, after all."
"You broke up with Alyssa?" said Elaine disbelievingly.
"Not the other way around?"
George shrugged. "Yeah, the nipple rings got on my nerves
after a while. They look just like little door knockers, you
know? I had to keep resisting the urge to..." He mimicked
rapping a nipple ring like a door knocker.
"You really are a piece of work," said Jerry, shaking his
head.
"He's a piece of something, all right," said Elaine. "You
know, Alyssa really needs that job - I hope she didn't get fired
too."
"I think she was reassigned," said George.
Jerry suddenly noticed that Kramer was staring hungrily at
the computer screen, his lips moving silently.
"Kramer! You're not backsliding over there, are you?"
Kramer looked up guiltily. "Sorry Jerry...I couldn't help
it. There's a special on live shows today." He gestured
at the screen. "This is a real dish - nipple rings in both
nipples!"
There was a moment of silence, and then Elaine, Jerry, and
George all rushed over and crowded around the computer.
"Oh my God!" said Elaine. "It's Alyssa!"
"Like I said - reassigned," said George.
"Look what you've done, George," said Elaine accusingly.
"Alyssa has to keep that job to pay her rent. You've forced her
into acting in a live sex show!"
"Now that's a shame," said Jerry, staring intently at the
screen.
They all watched silently for a few minutes as Alyssa ate
the of a slim, attractive brunette. Then Jerry felt
Elaine's hand slide up his thigh and rest on his crotch for a
moment. He looked at her in surprise and she raised her eyebrow
in silent invitation.
Jerry smiled at her and said "OK, folks - show's over.
Kramer, thanks for the keyboard - now go back to your place and
get some sleep. George, thanks for stopping by. I guess you
really should get out there and start looking for another job."
He firmly ushered his two friends out of the apartment and
locked the door. When he turned around Elaine had disappeared.
He found her in the bedroom, lying naked on his bed.
"I guess I know what you're in the mood for," said Jerry.
"A little of this, a little of that..."
"And a *lot* of the other thing," finished Elaine with a
laugh. "Smart boy."
Without even taking his clothes off, Jerry climbed into
position.
"Welcome back to the home team," he said. It was the last
thing he said for quite a while.
The End, "The Tingle"
©1998 by DG. All rights reserved.
Author's notes
1) As always, I'd enjoy hearing what you thought of the
story - my email is dionysian1@hotmail.com.
2) Thanks to Baird Allen, I have a nice web page with all my
stories on it. Please drop by and check it out some time:
http://baird.pair.com/dg.htm
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