| CARREE LOVES BILLY - THE END
I lost my William in early 2001.
He was a writer who, one day, planned to use my diary's, which I
kept through our courtship and beyond, as a basis for a
true erotic story.
William and I enjoyed reading erotic of this type.
He planned to use the pen name Billy Hand.
As a means of therapy for dealing with his loss,
I took up the project.
Though not as accomplished as William as a writer,
I too, write professionally for travel and vacation guides.
Originally his plan was for a genus story, CARREE LOVES BILLY,
and then 10 of our sexual adventures and life.
After his death I reworked his outlines and added a few things I
remembered and few things he never knew about.
After finishing 7 of the stories, I cannot continue.
I feel it is only fair to tell you all the reasons why and a few
of the circumstances.
The support I received from the readers of the sites that posted
the series was just unbelievable. Some of those who wrote made a
difference in my life that lasts even today. There are two in
One is a woman in California, my age, who taught me that life is
NOT over when you are 28 and seemingly out of options. There are
plenty of options and lots of fun to be had, and lots of things
to be discovered about our personal selves, and our sexual
selves. She made me realize I could feel like a woman, and
even dream of becoming a bride again. All of this because
she dared to do things a little on the edge, and give me blow by
blow accounts. She made me think, THAT COULD BE ME.
As low and as stripped of life as I was, she made me smile, she
made me wonder, she made me feel sexual again (I didn't think
that would ever be possible). Thank You G, I love you.
The other was an from across the pond, who had related
a similar to mine that was experienced by his sister. He
wanted so to comfort me, but was so afraid of sounding like he
was coming on to me. He just wanted me to know that my pain was
shared by others and that, like it or not, life goes on. His
sister had a hard time dealing with the situation. He felt I
could do better, because he thought I showed a better outlook in
my stories. He showed me how I could sink to a pretty wretched
state, if I let myself. He was so cute, especially when I
considered how much he was than I. He even scolded me like
a Daddy for my one indiscretion in my relationship.
Thanks RM - "Dad".
In between the fifth and sixth I began to have a
relationship with the character in my I call "Russell". It
was he that I had an indiscretion with during my time with
William. Most would not have called it cheating, but I always
felt awful that I never told William.
As things got more and more serious with "Russell", I failed to
tell him about the I was writing and the "triple life" I
was leading, 1) the grieving widow, 2) the tell-all erotic
author 3) the new paramour for my friend.
Since he was a subject in one of the stories, I felt I could not
share them with him. The part about him was not in the outlines
William made from my notes, because William didn't know about
what happened. He knew "Russell", but only as the friend
he really was to us then.
In any event, it was something else I was hiding from another
who was falling, or had fallen in love with me. ME, who always
preached to others that the key to a relationship is honesty, no
matter how deep the pain, was hiding something again.
As I finished 7 I was aware that it was harder and harder
to hide this from "Russell" because we were just about living
together, although not totally sexual yet. As I finished that
story I also realized that the therapeutic part of the
was over. They caused me more pain, not less, at that point.
Things happened fast then. The travel concern I called "Arens and
Ponds" in my made me an offer I could not turn down to
move back to "Baltimore". They offered me a two-year deal, that I
am sure will perpetuate if I please.
I asked "Russell" to quit his job or transfer (government worker)
and go with me. I was ready to commit to him, even though I was
keeping the and my pen pals from him. It was a dishonest
mistake. I kept telling myself that it wasn't his business.
When you sleep with someone and tell them you love them (and mean
it) and share bodily fluids and a roof - EVERYTHING IS THEIR
BUSINESS. As far as he was concerned, if I wasn't honest about
this, what else??
I made a slip up and didn't cover my tracks like normal, and he
I looked pretty low in his eyes. I was someone he didn't know,
after he gave me his life. I was not very happy with myself.
That me almost as much as I have ever been hurt. But, I am
happy to say that I have fixed everything and am working at
regaining his full trust.
One thing I must do is give up the stories, even though I wasn't
going to write any more, I didn't want to wipe them from the
slate. I get totals of downloads and views of the stories, and it
is UNBELIEVABLE. I think they are Williams's legacy, and
About a month ago, a new writer, Steven Grayson, sent me a
and asked me to review it. I told him, I DON'T DO THAT, but then
he told me that I was his inspiration. ME!! (no accounting for
So, I read it and I was impressed (whew!! Hot!!) It was called
"Suzanne" and you can find it on the better sites now. (He
goes by the name Sig Grayson)
When he read at the end of 7 that I might be done, burnt
out, he asked me if he could have the outlines and finish the
stories, he liked doing biographicals where he could work from an
outline, with major details already figured out.
At the time, I said "Absolutely not!!"
However, we are rethinking that.
But, he has agreed to keep the archive for me. He has the
passwords to access them. So the will stay up, all with
However, if you do see an 8 - 9 - or 10, be SURE I didn't write
it. We are still talking with Steven.
"Russell" and I have settled down together in "Baltimore", and I
am pretty happy. I love him a lot, he has proven more than a
friend and our original attraction was no fluke. He adores me,
although that opinion may have to be earned again. He should make
no doubts about me; I can prove my love and earn his.
I still suffer bouts of depression when I have to drag up
memories (one of the reasons the became an anchor instead
of a buoy). Just this week an friend of William got me some
side work, remembering me from something previous I did. He asked
how "Bill" was. He hadn't heard yet. It ruined my day and the
moment "Russell" saw me that night, he knew whose ghost had
Twelve hours later he found out about the and my
deception, so I was in the deep doghouse.
That is why I am rushing this transfer to Steven's hand. I
promised "Russell" that by Saturday this week, October 12, 2002,
I would be washed clean of "Carree"
I hope you enjoy our as much as I did living it.
Whether you believe our or not, trust me when I say it
has been embellished little. Many of the emails I got were
prefaced with, "If it is true. . ." If I could document the pain
and tears I have suffered and shed, it would fill volumes.
Believe what you like, but enjoy the above all. That
would make William happy.
I will always truly love the character you know as
William, Billy and Bill Wilson.
I bid you all adieu and thank you from the bottom of my heart for
your words, help, compliments and prayers.