Human Waste
By cowgirl
Jennifer doesn't believe in mind control, so why
does she find the focus of her life is fast becoming
e-mailing this mysterious woman who casually degrades
and humiliates her over and over?
***
This work is copyright (c) 2000 by cowgirl. You may download and keep
copies for your personal use as long as the author's byline and e-mail
address and this paragraph remain on the copies. Please do not post
this to any web site without permission from the author. All
other rights reserved. No alteration of the contents is permitted.
***
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I've gotta tell you - I don't get *mind control*, I really don't.
I mean, all these are all pretty silly wish- fufillment, reflecting
most people's desperate pathtic fantasies to dominate others in the only
safe non threatening enviorment, that they have, namely - their
imaginations! (laughter) Now I'm not picking on you poor clods (male and
female) who read this garbage and actually are sad anough to get aroused by
it, really I'm not.
Unless the above paragraph describes you to a tee. *grin*
Nope, It's just that in real life, these things just don't happen. There no
way in hell I'd sexually surrender myself to some stupid dildo over the
internet. Why? Why in god's name would anyone take that risk ? Hell, you'd
have to be a fucking moron to be caught dead even reading, let alone writing
stories about some poor smuck humiliating another person sexually, right?
So, the Idea of this whole *mind control* stuff is embarrassingly juvinal
and increadibly stupid waste of anyone's time and energy.
This is why I'm confused about my reaction....
...when She appeared.
In my e-mail box, that is. Now I've HAD cyber sex before. And, I'll amit
it, I'd written a handful of....uh....somewhat erotic humiliation stories. (weak
smile) But most of my email flings have had the same problem we ALL nebies
discover when having sexual "one night stands" on the net....
Cyber sex, for all it's reputation...just It doesn't last.
The THRILL of dangerous and forbiden email lust quickly evaporates within a
few weeks and your BOTH find yourself bored with each other, until you
eventually just stop writing all together. It's kinda like that feeling you
get in real life, when you realize you've rushed into sex before you've
built up a regular relationship, and are left with the Casual Sex Blues!
(don't worry, I wont burst into song)
Well, that all changed one day when SHE wrote me.
Yeah Her.
There are few people in my life that have inspired the PURE hatred and
CONTEMPT I've felt for this woman! It seems no matter WHAT names She'd call
me, spit at me, throw on me, or other foul repulsive descriptions through
e-mail I can't even bring myself to describe......for SOME ungodly reason I
can't even begin to explain.....
....I kept writing back to Her.
Every - fucking - time!
This was puzzeling since I generally laugh in people's faces. There's
pratically nobodies papper thin bravado I can't destroy in a matter of
seconds with a few well placed targets of blistering insight. The more they
blow off, the sweeter it is watching them fall! Now, I'm not a people hater,
really. These poor dopes are just ASKING for trouble, taking on a gal like
me!
So, what's the deal with THIS woman?
I mean, I don't even LIKE the bitch, let alone find Her atractive! That's
what's so...weird....why some gal who's makes me so angry could push my buttons
so...
The little cunt! I remember when She first wrote I was involved with several
"masters" as they insipidly insisted on being called. When She spoke, and I
knew instantly She was different. I felt that odd....feeling....you know the one
you get, when you,....
well.....
You know. (embarrassed smile)
Pure magnitism, I guess! (confussed shrug) Only She was a REPELANT magnet,
not an atractant believe me!!! I instantly hated Her smug tone, and her
arrogently smirking that I'd soon be so hung up over her degredation, that
I'd be flooding her email with revealing photos of myself and pathtic
declerations of my love for her in endless letters, all of which She'd throw
away. This didn't even me off, it was so absurd. Yeah, right. Love
letters, let alone Pictures??? Good luck sweetie.
Then came her insulting assumtion that I was "into" kitty litter because I
wrote about it in a once. That I was a *pathtic little closet dyke*
because I wrote about that too (okay, I AM a lesbian, but that's neither
here nor there!) AND I hated that She snifed out one of my little games of
pretending to be other people over the net- and busted me!!! At least I had
other email masters I could more easily maniuplate! But She soon realised I
wasn't writing Her enough, because I was messing around with other masters,
so She promptly made me give up these other masters, and only serve, the
bitch!!!
I hated doing that too! Do you know how degrading that was? Hurting those
other and gals feelings like that, let along how insipid it made ME
look. JUST who did this ASSHOLE think She WAS anyways??????
I know, I could have lied right? She really know, would She? I would be the
only one who knew I was shiting Her. Only me. She said if I did lie, it
would knaw at my gut, drive me crazy, this inner disobedience to Her, or
really to myself, (as She'd come to explain)
Okay, just for laughs, I *promised* She was the only one (blah,blah,blah)
and went along my merry way fucking
e-mal affairs and "masters" like mad!!! Who CARES if She says I'm only
fooling myself if I lie to Her. Who cares if, right after reading Her
comments, it brings me to mind numming tears and makes me feel like a little
pool of shit!
It's only for that single moment that I'm weak and hate myself, it's not who
I really am normaly! I only continue it as a game. She's an amusment, that's
all. I'm using Her! Sure, when I'm...a little .....er....*amused*... I'll agree to
ANYTHING. I even bought that instimatic She sugested I buy. But I
wake up and fight back like mad the next e-mail, provong Her totally fucking
WRONG by calling Her every name in the book!!!
And It's NOT a little girl's spoiled tantrum, believe you me!!!!!
Afterwords She'd calmly wait for me to finish during these bouts where I
would rear up on my hind quarters and ball Her out, then firmly instruct me
how I'd eventually regrets speaking to Her and soon be apologizing through
my tear, and condesendingly describe what I would be doing in a few hours to
worm my way back into Her good graces. (read: crotch)
She'd next remind me that I was doing all this (writing to Her)
volentary,and not coerced,(furthering my embarrasment) and that the harder I
fought, the stupider I'd feel eating crow in my next email, especially after
I agreed to shove my punishment object inside myself.
Do you know how hard it is to walk around with something up you at work all
day? The fantasy is ONE thing, but in real life, it can get you sore,
believe you me! It's embarrassing if I don't keep reminding myself that
She's really just a puppet, and I'm really the one in charge here! He's just
an excuse for me to explore this weird side of myself, right? True, I
probably wouldn't have come up with something quite like....this....(shifting
uncompfortably in my seat while writing this) up my...er....
Well,Okay,....whoever's Idea it is, mine or Hers...
...is STIL me off. (fusterated sigh)
I would FUME over doing exactlly as instruced by this stupid arrogent full
of herself bitch, and rush home to soak up every word She dribbeled out. You
know what She called me once? Human waste. Can you Image? I just stared at
the email for minutes, numbed my her words. What my fingers traveled next is
purely irevelant.
The point was, it hurt. Really hurt.
The woman was hurting me, deeply inside. Why did I keep reading and
confirming my worthlessness with each email I opened? I wiped my tears
defencively as I thew her email in the trash, only to retrive it (as I'd
done countless time before) afterword and save it with the others. What
inside myself kept me coming back for more, despite my growing rage and
anger? Some part of me knew this was a sick relationship. That I was sick
for encourging it.
But...as disparaging and insulting She was on my very worth as a person and
woman, I inhaled each email from Her like it was PURE oxegen!
Then I wake up next morning, guilt and shame catching up with me, full of
self loathing anger for what I'd aloowed myself to sink to, for the woman
who was laughing and who I meant nothing to, but for whom was fast becoming
the focus of my life.
Then I'd write Her back, sharing my most depraved and lurid sexual fantasies
with as much emotional honesty and sincerity as I could, hoping derperately
for Her approval, yet strangly more and more sustained by Her cruel
emotional insults and condesending jokes about of me than any positive
regard!!! I HAD to keep Her aroused or amused, cause if She wasn't turned
on, She wasn't happy - and THEN She'd dump me, and I didn't know how I'd
survive without Her cruel insight into how worthless I really was and the
how Her sick names and hatred of me mirrored my secret feelings!
It's like...
...like, deep down, She knew who I REALLY was. It made me wanna cry with
gratitude. And It was like a damned drug, and I only felt warm and compleate
when I could feel Her warm brown verbal wast dripping down my head and
hugging my naked worthless shoulders and dripping pussy!!!
I took some photos of myself in a drunken haze of lust as a
possible surprise present for Her, then became disgusted looking
at them afterwords, at the leangthes I'd go, risking these dumb
things showing up some day to forever haunt me over a fucking
moment of lust for some one I didn't even know. No. It wasn't
worth it. My letters would have to sufice. I cried in shame as I
masterbated to the pictures of myself, and how low I'd sunken,
then burned them and tossed the ashes in the garbage, thankful
thatFINALLY I did have some bottom line.
Some sence of self worth and sanity left.
Then one day, my whole world turned upside down. Something had pissed Her
off, something he wasn't telling me, despite my pathtic attempts to please
Her! After endless begging about how much I'd do ANYTHING to keep Her
writing, one day She just coldly informed me....
that I'd * failed * her.
I LOST it.
It was like a SLAP in the face, it really was. I had worked so hard.
It wasn't just the fear he'd LEAVE me, (thought that was there too), it was
that I DISAPOINTED HER. I'd let Her DOWN.....
When I wrote to Explain this, She further chastised me for again ONLY crying
because of how stupid I looked. It was always about me!!! ME - ME - ME!!!!
When was I going to grow up and put Her needs BEFORE my own??? This was
what I had been avoiding doing in my REAL LIFE relationships for years, and
I was - doing it again -
with this kind, decent, strong, honest, loving woman -
this woman who'd gived me SO MUCH!!!
And this cunts focus was still off herself. She explained I was simply a
greedy little piglet who was in it for herself! Her words hit me at my most
vulnerable and went straight to my core.
I cried for days over the ugly truth about myself!!!
She was so fucking right!!! Here I was, pretending all this stuff we did was
for me, just to save some foolish pride! And She could see right through it
- as usual!!!! What a fucking bitch I was. I felt new waves of self hate and
pity wash over me, and didn't even wanna rub myself over it, because of the
guilt!! !
I went to the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror each day at work.
I stared hypnoticly at the object in my purse I'd once agreed to secretly
wear up my for Her until little ugly tears burned my cheeks in
humiliation, and I had to dry them in the wash room at lunch each day! Now
I'd be PROUD to wear it, and resolved I'd find some way to make all this up
to Her and wouldn't rest until he asked me to shove it up my once
again...(sniff)....
Her time was VALUABLE. Mine wasn't. Why, I was damned lucky this woman was
even giving me the fucking time of DAY, let alone telling me these ugly
truths about myself, things I was CLEARLY to chicken shited to look at in my
own self.
This was a turning point -
I flooded her box with pathtic little emails wimpering if I
Had permission stick my smelly Lipsstick Tube up my
for her? Would that please her? Amuser her? I told her I had
it RIGHT THERE, sitting by my computer keyboard, and was
faitfully waiting for her reply, checking every fifteen minutes,
every fucking word of it true.
Nothing.
It wasn't about a sex games anymore. But after a dozens more fruitless
tries, and staring endlessly at the zero's in my mail box account, my gut
realised the sad reality of what my mind had been avoiding like mad.
This stupid little had finally found TRUE LOVE in the most unlikely of
places...
Only to lose it forever.
A monthes later, nothing had changed, and my mind was still fixed on HER. On
losing the chance of a life time, being someone's joke. Moron. paper.
But, once again, I could hear Her voice reminding me, my focus was on me.
damit!!! I soon was so fucking disgusted with myself, that I did the only
thing left to do.....
I killed myself.
Well, sort of. (ahem)
I'd had enough of the whole email - cybersex crap. If I couldn't talk to
Her, then I wanted OUT. for good. ButI wanted fix it so I WOULDN'T be
tempted to sneak back. I sent out a letter pretending to be my own mother,
saying I'd died in a car accident. I sent this to my circle of cyber lovers
and friends, and esspecially to Her. Yeah, I guess part of me was leaving
open the possiblity that, (spoiled little shit that I was) She'd would feel
like shit that I was dead and MISS me and maybe even write back to my expressing her love. At least I might get SOME response out of it.
As far as my friends went, I knew they'd be okay. This was only email after
all, and this didn't strike me as a big deal at the time. I just couldn't
Imagine anyone giving two shits about this dopy little who wrote dirty
stories,
Only someone did.
Three people, close friends of mine, took it escpecially hard.
This was my second biggest FUCK UP since I'd lost Her, and this lie had
backed up on me in a truly grusom way I'd never expected!!! I SOON had the
gut wrenching experience of seeing letters pile up in my mail box consoling
my "mother", for my daughters loss. (uggghhhh)! I didn't expect this, and
felt SO FUCKING sleazy that I considered telling them all right there, but
chickened out - fearing a face to face confrontation and getting yelled at
by the whole group. I just wimped out - decided to do my usual number and
stick my head in the sand, ass in the air, and IGNORE humiliating little my
mess as always, ( stupid ostrege bitch that I am.)
Several monthes later I was somebody else now. I had new name, new address,
and a new out look on life. Yeah I was lured back to my ol' games with
humiliation and sex, but it wasn''t the same, and I was going through the
motions, trying to recreate my past with Her.. I did my best to Ignore my
old friends I'd accidently by faking my own death, and tried to look
forword with my new secret Identity.
One day, all that changed.
Someone, KNEW.
They wrote to me, fishing. Calling me by "cowgirl" name. This chilled me
to the bone, and I sweated over who knew my foul little secret! I HATED not
being in control and LOST IT, calling this stranger every foul name in the
book!!!! Then it dawned on me what I'm sure you've already figured out.
There's only ONE woman who could make me that pissed off and wet at the same
time....
As soon I realised it, I broke down in tears of laughter
relief!!!!
I calld Her a creep, and we laughed and cried about the whole thing. (okay,
I laughed and cried, but I'd swear I could feel a smile from her side in
there somewhere) I missed Her something terrible, and told Her so. She said
I would have to work VERY hard to make thing back up to Her. I tearfully
agreed. Then She asked for me to come up with, all on my own, a gift for
Her, a true symbol of my emotioanl servidtude and sexual repentance-
the one thing I knew I could never give her. That I prayed she'd never push
me into. The thing I knew would destroy me having any sort of normal life,
but I knew what it was she wanted, and it made the bile in my throat rise,
even as my finger disapeared down my shorts at the thought....
And I picked up the camera.
( deep sigh )
Several weeks later She looked up varoiuse pictures of her stupid little
cunt, jenny. (my real name) Some were of Jenny holding a sign that was proof
She really took them, saying things like: "Her stupid little lapper."
Or a photo where Her dumb little Jenny was made to wear a paper bag
with "stupid cunt" written in lipstick across it, so Jenny's ugly face
wouldn't repulse Her owner while the tube was vissabley peeking out of her
tight little bung hole.
One of jenny rubbing her like a self concious looking fool, a forced
smile trying to cover the embarrassed and ugly grimace the fest of her face
showed. Several more of jenny's hands with painted nails so She'd look more
"lady like", as jenny's owner thought jenny's hands were too large and ugly,
she was consitnatly reminded. And other's with little jenny holding various
signs with humiliating coments about her tit's and face written on
them,"jenny no-tits" "jenny_dumb shit sucks cunts for a penny" "loyal
daugter sucks mommy's butt with a smile" all with her smiling like an stupid
little Imbicle she'd become!
All these sick and nasty Photos jenny emailed (through her suffering and
lust filled tears), to ALL her friends in an e-mail from her, publicly
detaling her sordid lies about her own death. Jenny did all this, knowing
full well the blackmailed position she created my sending them would forever
keep this pathtic and whimpering woman under HER and loving eye!
While Her actions made Jennifer want to vomit in disgust, She loved Her with
all her heart,
.......and always would,
being the sick little dumbshit She was!
Both of them locked in an unconcious squirel wheel of shame, lust, unending
anger, and a framilirarity that She told herself passed for love. She cried
herself to sleep each night believeing She'd never write to her again. That
She REALLY had blown it this time. That She didn't DESERVE a third chance.
That the woman who'd called her a shit licking, leg humping, stupid carnval
freak, was the only person who KNEW her to the core of her being! Thank god
She knew the real jenny. Thank god.
And while She DID have to throw up several times after posing and sending
Her humiliating pictures She'd felt proud her owner might possibly
masterbate to them, And jenny countned herself lucky that any person would
rub their of cock off to her ugly Image, and that her silly mental
protests would always all be over ruled my her throbbing clit and the human
sack of garbage she's discover's she was.
But most of all, Jennifer told herself
that there was no such thing...
....as mind control.
end
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write to me,jennifer at:
cowgirl_stupid@excite.com
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