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ISSUE 3 movie parody that tomb raider


Tainted Lime Reviews Issue #3
January 7, 2002

A short note to the readers of the Tainted Lime Reviews: if you've
sent me email about the reviews, don't expect a reply from me. It's
not that I don't appreciate hearing from people; it's just my time
is limited, and I'd rather spend it reviewing stories instead of
yammering on and on about the reviews.

Now, on to the stories.

Stories reviewed in this issue:

Grinch Parody, by Lucy (* * *)
The Accidental Sappho, by the lizard king (* * * * *)
Election Night at the Tittie Bar, by Writerzblocked (* *)
Curse of the Mummies' Cocks, by Shon Richards (* * *)
Inside Out and Wrong Side Up, by King Webster (* * *)

{ASSM} Grinch Parody
By Lucy <>

This tale takes place several years after the original "How The
Grinch Stole Christmas," when the Grinch has had plenty of opportunity
to get angry at the Whos again. This time, he's mad because the
fucking Whos don't fuck, and his pecker has shrunken to the size of a
green bean. Eager to get back at the prudes, he again goes on a
Christmas Eve rampage, stealing the Whoville Christmas fixings.

And once again, much like the famous scene from years ago, little
Cindy Loo Who, who is all grown up now, saves the day.

As a parody of Dr. Seuss, this is spotty. Parts of it, especially
later in the story, are extraordinarily well done and funny. Other
parts are just OK. The best parts are when the Grinch's tinkler
makes a comeback towards the end of the story; the first stanzas
are not quite as effective.

But if you ever wanted to know how Dr. Seuss would write a sex
scene, take a look at this one. It's short, it'll only take you
a couple minutes to read it, and you'd have to be a real grinch
if you don't smile at least twice during this cute little rhyme.
Rating: * * *


{ASSM} The Accidental Sappho (FF)
By the lizard king <>

The new leadership at the Delta Chi sorority have one of the dumbest
campaigns ever to root out the secret lesbian community at their
college. Gretchen gets wrapped up in this idiotic plan to video tape
the lesbians in action, but the plan goes awry when Gretchen leaves
incriminating evidence after she sneaks in to hide a video camera in
a suspected lesbian's room.

There follows a series of farcical escapades which all end up
with Gretchen munching carpet with yet another lesbian from Sigma
Sigma Sigma. After one such encounter, Gretchen utters a truly
great line: "That's it ... No more anonymous lesbian sex until
I've had something to eat."

This is a very good story with a strong plot, a good central
character, and some well-aimed shots at the Delta Chi homophobes.
The prose in this story is occasionally loose, but that's only
a minor complaint. Read this one. You'll like it.
Rating: * * * * *


{ASSM} (New WZB) "Election Night at the Tittie Bar" (no sex)
By Writerzblocked <>

This story is really just a few snips of overheard conversation in a
tittie bar on election night. It's short, sometimes funny, but repetitive
and ultimately unfulfilling. It was nice to read as a change from the
regular ASS fare, but it's not the kind of story that tries to get you
all hot and bothered.
Rating: * *


{ASSM} {Thigh_Vs._Thigh} Curse of the Mummies' Cocks
By Shon Richards <>

This is a movie parody of that tomb raider movie that was out not
too long ago. In this one, Flora Kraft invades the tomb of the The
Three Pharoahs, followed closely by two corporate agents, Amy and
Bethany. Each woman takes her own path downward, and each has her
own crazy sex adventure in the ancient Egyptian crypt.

The writing isn't the sharpest in ASSM. Repeated words, many minor
grammatical errors, and awkward phrasing all detract from the story telling. If this story wasn't so obviously done for fun, the
technical problems probably would have earned it a lower rating.

It doesn't help that all I know about Laura Kroft is from the
commercials I've seen on TV. Perhaps the Laura-philes out there
will enjoy this story more. In any case, if you're looking for a
good-natured sex parody of a tomb raider movie, you'll enjoy
this story, but be prepared to suffer through a lot of misplaced
Rating: * * *


{ASSM} Inside Out and Wrong Side Up - Part of the Small Dick Trilogy
By King Webster <>

This story was not coded, but contains humiliation, bondage,
domination, and anal sex.

The hero of this story has a "tiny" cock, one that measures a
mere four inches when erect. As far as I've heard, four inches may
be on the small side, but it isn't especially tiny. But that doesn't
matter; the hero *thinks* his cock is tiny, and that is all that is
necessary for him to be the humiliated by his "girlfriend."

Alex, his girlfriend, brings Sara along to watch the big event. Alex
whips him, binds him, and forces him to suck a dildo. And then things
get even more humiliating.

The sex and humiliation is well-written, but the surrounding story came up short for me. The reason the narrator says he puts up with
the abuse is "[Alex] had that effect on me," which is not a compelling
reason in my book. Of course the small penis misconception is all
wrapped up in it too, but I got to the end of this story and wished
I'd read about the earlier stages of this relationship and how Alex
began to take control. Honestly, Alex is the most interesting
character, but all she is here is a humiliation machine.

If small-dicked men being humiliated by gorgeous women are your
thing, you probably don't mind skimming past the set up and getting
to the sex. But if your kinks go another direction, you probably
won't like this one much.
Rating: * * *


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