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ISSUE 32 movies Hollywood fond


Tainted Lime Reviews Issue #32
March 22, 2002

I feel a little uneasy about the Virago Blue Challenge reviews, and
while I believe the reviews serve a purpose and I'm not sorry I posted
them, I feel that a little further explanation is in order.

I was eagerly looking forward to the results of the challenge. I had
heard rumors of which authors were pariticipating, and my expectations
were very high. I thought I would enjoy many of the stories, and I began
reviewing them thinking I would find lots to rave about.

About five stories into the VBC, I realized I was getting myself
in trouble. I'd read a lot of stories that I wouldn't ordinarily read,
and I had not liked them. I had a dry, intellectual admiration for
several of the stories, but I can't give a rave recommendation to a
story that I enjoyed as much as a chemistry textbook. So the challenge
resulted in a lot of three-star ratings.

While part of me wishes I hadn't reviewed *any* of the VBC stories,
I'm still glad I didn't quietly ignore the whole thing. At the very
least, readers understand my biases better, and that's a very good

On a related note, I believe ASSM would be well-served by additional
voices contributing to the discussion of stories. I would especially
like to encourage dissenting opinions. If you think one of my reviews
is stupid and unfair, please say so in (the 'd' is
for 'discussion').
And one final note: I will be spending next week someplace spring-breaky;
if all goes well, the sun will leave me just a little bit riper than
before. The Tainted Lime Reviews will return in April.

Reviews are archived at


Stories reviewed in this issue:

giggling, by Nicholas Urfe (* * * * *)
Best in Show, by Knickers (* * *)
Sally's First Time, by JAZZ (* * *)
3 Short Stories, by Sean Ng (* *)
Student of Love, by Amorous Two (* * *)

{ASSM} giggling 1:3 [urfe] [new]
By Nicholas Urfe <>

This story is one heck of a ride.

It's all about porn stars shooting a porn movie. Honey Rider, a
veteran of the porn wars, is starring with an assortment of other
augmented body parts while Keystone Cops try to run the camera.
Hanging around inside is Barbie, a young girl whose job is giving
blowjobs to a washed up male porn star.

Barbie and Honey get to know one another between takes, if you
know what I mean.

Like many Nicholas Urfe stories, Giggling is written with a
distinctive style. Many stories with distinctive styles quickly
get old. But this story benefits from a lot of powerful
distractions: the absurdity of the porn people, the attitudes of
the women, and, ultimately, the fatigue of those who are taking
part of this ridiculous business.

This story is on the outer size limits of what I normally read,
but I'm very glad I read it. If you read it, you'll be glad too.
Rating: * * * * *


{ASSM} Best in Show (A Nicola Adventure) {Knickers} (MF FF exhib)
By Knickers <>

The Nicola series continues with Nicola going away to the Great
Northwest to participate in a beauty contest. When she arrives,
she is surprised to find a convention of wrinkled Republicans is
also occupying the hotel. Do to space constraints, Nicola must
share a room with Angela, her long-time nemesis.

Despite plenty of clues, naive Nicola hasn't figured out that the
beauty contest is a scam. All the women flown in from West
Hollywood are here to provide a service to the horny old Republicans.

There is a costume party where Nicola gets dressed as a Playboy
bunny, while her roommate, Angela, is a dominatrix. There is also
a talent contest. And the ending is straight out of one of those
cheesy competition movies Hollywood is so fond of making.

If you think this all sounds utterly ridiculous, you're right.
But the story doesn't take itself seriously, so it reads as a
light-hearted romp. The grammar and spelling gets pretty bad in
places, but most of it is pretty good.

But mostly this story is what it is supposed to be: a lot of
stupid, sexy fun.
Rating: * * *


{ASSM} Sally's First Time (FF, 1st, Teen)
By JAZZ <>

This story chronicles the early sexual history of a twenty-two
year-old lesbian. The story bounces from early teenage yearnings
to heterosexual disasters to a final relationship with the most
beautiful girl in school.

While the story is well-written, it is not convincing. Several
scenes are skimmed over so lightly that I couldn't visualize what
was going on. The lesbian sex scene is presented as a very
pleasant experience, but in a story told with a lot of
seriousness, the lack of much emotional response is a glaring

The author has story-telling talent, though, and if you care only
about the sex, this has a good lesbian sex scene. With a bit more
depth, it could easily be more.
Rating: * * *


{ASSM} 3 Short stories By Sean Ng <>

Here are three very short stories. The first is about a woman who
binds herself to a bed so her lover will find her there. The
second is about a couple of girls who are caught shoplifting and
are forced to model lingerie for the store as punishment. And the
third is about a woman who is an excellent chess player, but the
man figures out a crack in her play that lets him beat her; they
play chess for money and sex.

The grammar is very poor, and some of the mistakes are not
typical of problems I ordinarily see in these stories. I would
guess English is not the author's first language. And while the
plots are compelling and the author shows a good sense of pace,
the English is sometimes so bad that it's hard to read.

It would take a lot of proofreading, but it would be worth it to
clean these babies up.
Rating: * *


{ASSM} Student of Love
By Amorous Two <>

The man in this story has gone through a difficult divorce. After
a year of feeling inadequate in the sack, he decides to become a
student of love. He reads books and watches videos until he knows
everything there is to know about female sexual response.

He then begins a friendship with a waitress who lives in a city
he visits frequently on business. Eventually, they meet for
coffee. Sparks fly. They end up back in his hotel room, in the
bathtub, naked.

Without a doubt, the purpose of this story is the sex scene, and
the introduction is aimed at getting the participants soaking
together in the hotel tub.

The story is well-written. The student of love thing is a clever
idea, but it is one that could have been used better. Once the
narrator is introduced, we lose the whole thing about studying
books and watching videos. It is never mentioned again, except in
passing at the end of the story. I would have liked to see it
made more integral to the plot and sex scene.

But then the author claims this is a true story, and reality does
not always provide the most intriguing plot lines. Perhaps a
little augmentation of the truth would have helped the plot a
little. But for a true story in ASSM, this one is top of the
Rating: * * *


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