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Loss of Innocence


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Loss of Innocence by Vickie Morgan

My name is Jamie Winters and I live at 6, Oak Avenue. My house has a
green gate and a brown door. I like that. Brown is my favourite colour.
Mum says it's important to remember that in case I ever get lost. My phone
number is 01388 813118. That's harder to remember but Mum told it to me
lots of times. If you tell me things often enough I remember them.

I used to go to Special School but now I'm too old. I have a job
instead. It's a very nice job. I collect the shopping trolleys from the
supermarket car park. I have to be careful not to hit the parked cars and
not to get in the way of the moving cars. Sometimes I help to carry
people's bags. I'm very strong and I can carry lots of bags. Sometimes
they give me money. I like that. I like the big brown pennies best.
Brown is my favourite colour. I put them in my moneybox and when I have
enough Mum takes me to the bank and I get a brown twenty pound note. I
like that. Brown is my favourite colour.

With one of my brown twenty pound notes I bought balloons. I bought
lots and lots of balloons. It was hard to hold them all but I'm very
strong. I bought red balloons and blue balloons and green balloons and
yellow balloons and silver balloons and gold balloons. They didn't have
any brown balloons. I didn't like that. Brown is my favourite colour. I
was playing with the balloons in the park when some boys saw me. They
liked balloons too so we played together. Their names are John and Peter
and Steve. They're my friends now. John and Peter are six but Steve is
seven. Steve can run fastest but I'm the strongest. I'm very strong.

They showed me their camp. It's a secret place. We had to go through
Peter's garden and climb over the fence and crawl under the prickly bushes.
It's next to the river so there's no other way to get there. We tied the
balloons to the bushes and when the wind blew they popped. It was fun.
When we had to go home for tea they said I could play with them tomorrow.
They're my friends now. I had a friend at Special School but he lived far
away. I like having friends. We're going to build a hut. It's a secret
though. I can't tell anyone about the camp.

Mum said it was nice that I had friends. When she gave me special jam
sandwiches she gave me extra to share with my friends. I love my Mum. She
says I'm special. That's why I went to Special School and have special jam
sandwiches. My friends were waiting for me in Peter's garden. We went to
the camp and started building the hut. They all had some wood. I'm going
to ask Mum for some wood for next weekend. We are going to build the best
hut in the world ever. I gave them the special jam sandwiches and they
liked them.

Mum gave me some wood and I used my brown twenty pound note to buy some
nails. John has a hammer. Steve and me hold the wood and Peter holds the
nail and John hits it with the hammer. We are going to build the best hut
in the world ever. We got all hot so we took our clothes off and jumped in
the river. We had a mud fight. It was fun. We tried to wash all the mud
off but when I got home Mum said I was filthy dirty and I had to have a
bath. I like mud. It's brown. Brown is my favourite colour. The water
in the bath turned brown. I liked that.

Our hut is looking good. Mum helped me buy a window frame. We are
going to build the best hut in the world ever. I wish I could show Mum but
it's a secret. She understands. I love my Mum. We are building a dam in
the river. Steve says it will make it deeper so we can jump in. We had
another mud fight. I like mud fights. They're fun.

We have nearly finished the hut. It's going to be the best hut in the
world ever. Steve's Dad gave him some paint. It's brown. I like that.
Brown is my favourite colour. Peter says it will make it harder for people
to see the hut. We put the roof on. It was hard to do. We used our
biggest bits of wood. I held the wood but it was very heavy. It's good
I'm very strong.

Peter is away on holiday so we were going to meet at the hut instead of
in Peter's garden. I was there before John and Steve but there were people
in the hut. There was an older boy and an older girl. They had no clothes
on and they were rolling on top of each other. I thought the boy was
hurting the girl because she was moaning a lot. I asked if she was OK and
they said bad words at me. I told them that they were in our secret hut
but the boy just laughed. The girl got cross and said she couldn't fuck
with the idiot watching. I think she meant me. I don't know but I think
fuck is a bad word. Lots of people call me an idiot. My Mum says they
just don't know that I'm special. The boy asked if I had ever seen a girl with no clothes on. When I said no he laughed. He put my hand on the
girl. Her skin was very soft. He made me squeeze the two mounds on her
chest. He said they were called tits and girls liked having them squeezed.
He said I should always ask a girl if I could see her tits. The girl didn't seem to like it. She put her clothes on and left. The boy said I
couldn't tell anyone they had been there, it was a secret. I was glad they
went. I didn't like them.

John and Steve came and we finished painting the hut. I didn't tell
them about the boy and the girl. The boy said it was a secret. We made
the dam bigger. The dam is hard work. The water keeps knocking the stones
down. Our hut is the best hut in the world ever. It is all brown. Brown
is my favourite colour.

When I was walking home Linda Murray from next-door saw me. She asked
how I was. I remembered what the boy said and asked if I could see her
tits. She got cross. She said I was a pervert. I asked my Mum what that
meant. She asked why Linda called me that so I told her. Mum said the boy was being mean and trying to get me into trouble. Mum said that it was a
bad thing to say and I mustn't say it ever again. I don't like that boy.
Mum said it wasn't my fault. I love my Mum.

Peter came back from holiday and he gave me a present. It's a house in
a bubble. When I shake the bubble it snows. It is my favourite thing
ever. He gave us all sticks of rock. Mine was brown. Brown is my
favourite colour. The rock was very nice but we all got sticky and had to
jump in the river. I have the best friends in the world ever.

We were waiting for Steve outside Peter's house when some boys started
being nasty. They called us horrible names and used bad words. Then one
of the boys pushed John and he fell down. The boy kicked John. I didn't
like that. John is my friend. I picked him up to stop him hurting John.
He tried to kick me. Peter told me to drop him in the big prickly bush.
The boy didn't like that. He shouted lots of bad words at me. John and
Peter laughed a lot. When he got out of the bush he said he would make me
sorry. John said I would put him back in the bush. He ran away. I didn't
like him. John was hurt but Peter's Mum gave him a plaster. We went to
our secret camp. We worked on the dam. The water is getting deeper.
Steve had a spade. We used it to dig some of the mud from the bottom of
the river. The water nearly comes to my waist. We take our clothes off so
they don't get muddy and wet. Mum gets cross when I'm muddy.

When I came home from work a policeman was waiting for me. He took me
to the police station. Mum came too. She was unhappy. I know because she
cried. She told me that some people were being nasty and all I had to do
was to tell the truth. The policeman said it was an informal hearing.
They asked me lots of questions about my friends. They wanted to know what
we did together. I couldn't tell them because the camp is a secret. They
asked if we ever took our clothes off. I said yes. They looked cross and
Mum got cross. They kept asking questions and didn't like it when I told
them it was a secret. If it is a secret you can't tell anyone. I can't
even tell Mum. I don't know why that made them cross. They told me to sit
outside while they talked to Mum. She brought me an ice cream. I like ice
cream. It was brown and chocolate. Brown is my favourite colour.

While I was eating my ice cream the nasty boy who hurt John sat next to
me. He was laughing and saying he had told me so. He said I was going to
go to prison. I don't like him. Then the boy and girl who I saw in the
hut saw us. They asked the nasty boy what was going on. He said he had
told the police I had sexually abused him. I don't know what that meant
but they all laughed. It must be a joke. Then the older boy got very
excited and told the girl to go see the police. He said that if she said
the retard had got her up the duff then she could get an abortion and they
would both be off the hook. I don't know what that meant either. Some
people call me a retard. Mum says only silly people who don't know I'm
special say that. The girl went into the police station. The nasty boy knocked my ice cream onto the floor and they both went away. I don't like

Mum came and got me. I told her about my ice cream and she said she
would get me another one later. The police asked me if I had ever hurt a
girl. I said no. I don't hurt people. They asked if I had ever seen a
girl with no clothes on. I said yes. They asked if I had touched her. I
said yes. They asked what else I had done. I told them it was a secret.
They looked cross and Mum was upset. They made me sit outside on my own
again. Mum came out and we went home. Mum forgot about my ice cream. She
says we have to go back tomorrow. I hope she will get me an ice cream

I didn't go to work today. We went to the police station again. They
put me in a room with a big mirror. I could see myself so I pulled funny
faces. I'm good at funny faces. Then Mrs Green came in. She was my
favourite teacher at special school. She is very nice. I showed her my
best funny face. She made me sit down and then she talked to me. She told
me all about sex. I didn't like it. It sounds nasty. She said that's how
all babies are made. I don't think that's how I was made. Maybe that's
why I'm special. Mum wouldn't do something nasty like that. She asked if
I had ever tried to have sex. I said no. She asked lots of times. She
asked what I did when I saw the girl with no clothes on. I told her it was
a secret. She said I must never try to have sex with anyone without asking
Mum first. I don't want to have sex. It sounds nasty. I asked if she had
sex. She said yes. I don't know why she would want to. I wish she hadn't
told me about sex.

They left me alone again. Then the policeman and Mum came and talked to
me. They said the evidence was inconclusive. They weren't going to press
charges but they didn't think I was innocent. I don't know what they
meant. Then they said I couldn't play with my friends anymore. I don't
like that. I don't understand. I can't go to work anymore either. I
don't know what I've done wrong. Mum took me home. She talked to me about
sex again. I wish she wouldn't. I don't like it. She made me promise
never to see my friends again. I don't know why. I'm very unhappy.

Copyright Vickie Morgan, 1999 E-mail


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