Oakleaves Chapter 9
The morning was crisp. There was a chill in the air. And not just from
the weather. I felt horrible. Who was I to say what he should feel. But
damn it, who is he to say that he doesn’t know what he was doing when all
along, all along, he acted as if he did.
I rolled over onto my back, he wasn’t there. He wasn’t against my back
like he was last night. That felt good, really good to feel him next to
me. Now he lay curled in a ball on the other side of the tent. I sat up
and reached out to him only to stop myself inches away. "No, I won’t
pressure him," I affirmed myself.
It was a bit cold outside. The morning dew still on the space grass. I
don’t believe I am up this early. On school days, my alarm would ring in
about a half hour. Ridiculous. I tossed on a fleece and crawled out. I
took a few steps then looked back at the tent. ‘I’m still mad at him.’
I strolled over to the bank and looked deep into the water, I could see
the small fish swim around. It was so uninteresting. Besides, today, I
didn’t want to watch the sun rise. I wasn’t in the mood. I turned around
and started to climb the hill. It got steep toward the end. A good
morning climb. Once I reached the cliff I sat down. On this side of the
island it was still night. Just right for my mood.
Did he have the right to say what he said, to do what he did. I feel as
if my heart has been broken in a million pieces. There is no way they are
going back together. I started to analyze my own feelings toward him.
‘Was I actually sure of what I am doing?’ Young, inexperienced, and in
love. He said it so clearly last night. Love is giving of one’s self fully
and completely.
I would do anything for him. I would wear a pink with an
up-side-down triangle with a big slogan, ‘I AM GAY’ on it if he asked me
to. "Of course, I’d feel like a complete idiot."
My thoughts shifted, ‘Who was that that burned him before? That
one that I never knew about?’ I shifted uncomfortably on the rock I was
sitting on. I leaned over and looked over the side of the cliff. It was a
far way down. I started to toss small rocks off the side, counting the
seconds until it hit the water. ‘Just to pass the time away,’ I kept
telling myself. ‘What was her name, who was she? Could it be Brook? She
was close to all of us, I would have picked up on something.’ An entire
list of popped into my head. Noah was cute, and was hot upon all the
time. ‘Melissa, Clarice, Jamie, Anita, Mary, it goes on.’
"Enjoying the morning sunrise? If so, you are on the wrong side of the
island." I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard Brook speak.
"Yea, I am enjoying my own sunrise," I gestured toward the lakes.
"I heard you two last night." She was looking straight out into the dark
distance. Then she looked at me, "Not the whole thing but enough."
"What did you hear?" I was looking intently now.
"Well, I heard the cuss word. That was loud and clear. What were you
arguing about."
"Nothin’."
"Right, you must take me for a fool then."
"No, your right, of course there is something, it is just a little
confusing to me yet."
"What is it?"
"He needs to get his priorities in order."
"I don’t know what you mean," she said as she sat down next to me.
"He said that his heart said he should and his head said that he should
not."
"Do what?"
"You know, be with me," I said kind of sheepishly. ‘Was he right,’ I
thought, ‘Was I ready for such a commitment as well?’
"Sounds like you’re a little afraid yourself." She read my mind.
"I don’t know, I may be."
"Sounds like you need to get your priorities straight as well."
There was only a day and a half left of our stay on the island. And we
were not going to waste a minute of it. I loved it here, I loved the
quietness, and I loved the tranquility. It was outstanding, a great away
ness from the city, that I was getting used to. I knew that we had the
remainder of the summer left, but I wanted to stay here to spend it. Brook
was right about one thing, I didn’t need a television or games. I
really was happy right now.
That is except for one thing. My lack of companionship that I had for
those few days with Noah. I didn’t know what to do about that situation. I
loved him, I really did, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready for this. A
serious relationship. I didn’t know if I could commit myself this early in
life.
I finally looked at the big picture. As I sat on that cliff, alone,
these thoughts passed through my head, and I knew that I needed to make the
decision. I knew that he was probably doing the same thing, discussing
what his options were. I really regretted putting him through that.
I knew what I had to do. "Gee you hear that enough in movies," I said
to myself. "Usually comes right before they jump off a cliff."
Suddenly aware of my current position, I backed away, rather quickly. I
turned around when I heard a bustle behind me.
"Garrett?"
"Noah." An uncomfortable silence passed between us.
"Listen, about last night,"
"I’ve been doing some thinking," I interrupted him, "And I think your
right."
"What?"
"I do. I am sorry that I put you in that weird position last night. I
put you on the spot."
"You did, do that. And afterward, I felt awful. I’ve been feeling
awful all morning."
"I’m sorry." I took a step toward him with the full intention to hold
him in my arms, then stopped in my tracks. I looked down at my feet.
"Garrett, I’m not full of disease, you can come near me."
"I didn’t want to put you on the spot again," I said honestly. He took
the initiative and stepped toward me, lightly pushed my head up by the chin
and looked into my eyes.
"Were you crying?" I just nodded my head.
"Yea, Brook came and talked to me," I started to cry a little, "and she
made me realize that I was the fool. No, helped me realize."
"I...I...I was going to say that I was wrong."
"No! No, your not. Your right, you are so right. We are still and we, no matter how much we do like each other we are to to
commit."
"Are you breaking up with me?" I could almost see the start of tears.
"No, Noah, I’m not. I think that we do need more time in this. If I
remember correctly, you aren’t even completely comfortable with your
sexuality."
"You are...I didn’t want it like this." He started to cry.
"Noah," I grasped his hands in mine. "I am not breaking up with, you, I
am just saying that we should take a step back and see the whole picture.
There are too many variables at home. Your father, the school, friends,
and all that other shit."
He shook his head and whispered softly, "I need to know who I am."
"That’s right. For everyone who is or lesbian, its got to be hard,
and we, at least I have to know what I am comfortable with. As well as you
do. Last night you were unsure about the word love. That’s the right
attitude, it really is. We are far too to know what real love is."
"Garrett, I love you. I do."
"Noah, I love you too."
"So were not a couple?"
"Yes we are, we are a couple of the closest friends possible." He
smiled. We started to walk back to the camp.
"Who are there for each other?"
"Yes."
"Who will listen?"
"Yes."
"Who will never keep any secrets?"
"Yes."
"Who will hold me close when I need someone there."
"Yes," I responded.
"In the same bed?"
"Sure"
"With arms?"
"Uhh…ok."
"Lips?"
"Sometimes, I guess."
"Legs?"
"WHAT????" He was laughing now. After a giggle here and there, we
walked in silence for a while.
"What about love making?"
I tripped on a branch.
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www.omicrontheta.org
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