| Title: The Case of the Elusive E.B.
Author: Cait N. (caitn at mindspring dot com)
Beta: Ha! No beta would want their name associated with
this piece of frivolity.
Disclaimer: Paramount wouldn't touch this with a forty
Summary: Inspired by Stephen's "Candy Statues" challenge
on ASCEML. My Muse is alternating between beating his head
against the wall and laughing his ass off.
Author's Note: If I get any flames from this, I'm
forwarding them to Stephen. *smile* Thanks to Jimmy Hat
from assd/m who let me borrow some of his characters.
= = = = = = =
The Case of the Elusive E.B.
copyright December 2001 by Cait N.
The Y'all Come Back Saloon was little more than a in
the wall. A dive, really, located just a few miles west of
Crazy and a stone's throw away from Nowhere, it was the
happenin' place for all creatures and beings who didn't
quite exist. The only thing that flowed more freely than
the beer were the toilets.
Que was behind the bar, wiping off the scarred counter
with a dirty brown rag, when the door flew open. A bunch of
suits walked in. Strangers, but still... there was
something awfully familiar about them.
The group approached the bar. The leader, a balding of middle height acted as spokesman. "We're looking for the
"The Easter...Oh! You mean E.B." Que shook his head. "I
don't think I seen him around since April last year, but
you could check with some of the in the back. The
perennials tend to hang out together." He nodded toward a
table in the corner.
The bald thanked him and conferred with the rest of
the group. The others fanned out around the room while him
and one other made their way to the table in the back.
Santa Claus was dealing a round of five card to the
others. Picard recognized a leprechaun who had to be Saint
Paddy, Cupid, a with the head of a pumpkin, and a with wings and a wand, dressed in a tutu.
"Excuse me," he interrupted in his proper British accent.
"Have any of you seen the Eas... E.B?"
Santa laid down his cards and scratched his belly. He let
out a loud belch before he answered, "Hmmm...I can't
rightly remember. Any of you others seen E.B. around
Saint Paddy and Cupid shook their heads.
"Jack? You and him used to be pretty close."
Jack O'Lantern scratched at the triangle cut-out in his
head that was supposed to be a nose. "We aren't close
anymore though, not since that incident with the pumpkin-
flavored Peeps a couple years ago."
"Ohhhhh, that's right, I'd forgot," Santa said, shooting
Jack a consoling look.
The Tooth Fairy stood up and walked over to the dark-
haired with Picard. "My aren't you a handsome one," he
said. "You would be Riker, wouldn't you?"
"That's right." Riker was clearly taken by surprise. "How
did you know my name?"
He laughed shrilly. "I'm the Tooth Fairy, I know
everyone's name. Besides, it's not easy to forgot a whose candy tastes like root beer." He licked his lips and
shot Riker a lascivious look.
Picard perked up. "Candy?"
"Sure," the Tooth Fairy answered, rubbing against Riker.
"You remember," he directed the last to the group at the
table, "E.B. was here with his new line last week."
The others murmured in sudden remembrance.
"Where can we get some of this candy?" Picard questioned.
"Hey Que!" Santa called. "Where's those free samples that
E.B left here the other day?"
"I gave 'em to Johnny and Paul."
Santa pointed to a pair of square-jawed lumberjack types
who were standing next to a mechanical bull. Deanna Troi
was seated on top of the bull, one hand holding onto a
rope, the other buried in her crotch. The bull swung
around, up and down.
Picard and Riker rushed over. "Deanna, what are you
doing?" Riker said in an embarrassed whisper.
"Oh God, Will, you've got to try the Chocolate Covered
Captains." Her eyes were glazed over and there was a ring
of chocolate around her mouth. Her body swayed with the
motion of the bull. "Oh yes! More, I need more!" Will
didn't know if she was talking about the candy or the
combined sensations from the bull and her hand.
"Doctor Crusher!" Picard yelled. Beverly came rushing over
with the rest of the away team. They extricated Deanna from
the mechanical bull, much to the disappointment of Johnny
As the doctor and her patient beamed back to the ship,
Picard conferred with Riker. "Well, at least we know our
suspicions are true."
"Yes, the Easter Bunny has developed a line of Enterprise-
themed candies for next Easter."
The look on Picard's face reminded Riker of someone who
was constipated. "We'll be the laughingstock of Starfleet."
"Not if we can find E.B. first and convince him to pick on
some other ship."
"Ah, good idea, Number One."
Picard headed for the doors.
Riker, hanging back a bit, made sure that his captain
wasn't looking. He reached into a basket beside the
mechanical bull and pulled out a handful of candy. He
searched till he found the one he was looking for and then
popped it into his mouth.
"Riker!" Picard called from the doorway.
Riker palmed the rest of the candy and hurried to catch
up. Mmmmm The Troi Truffle was heavenly. Definitely better
than any ordinary Chocolate Covered Captain. He hated to
disagree with his Imzadi, but evidently she hadn't tasted