| Law and Justice (MF humor)
© 2002 Anais Ninja email@example.com
[Author's note: If you're not up to speed on current events, refer to
The press conference was held in the Great Hall, and the crowd of
reporters and cameramen made the immense room an oasis of heat and
humidity on a chilly Washington morning. Banks of klieg lights shined
on an empty podium as the crowd waited for the Attorney General to
The reason for the press conference, an announcement of the appointment
of a special prosecutor in the Enron scandal, was nearly overshadowed by
the brand new blue curtain that hung behind the podium. Bearing a large
version of the Department of Justice's official seal, the $8,000 curtain
obscured a pair of twelve foot tall aluminum sculptures that had caused
so much controversy of late, even though they'd stood as mute witnesses
to these gatherings for over sixty years.
"They should have just put her in a burqa," remarked a wag from the
Times of London, referring to the bare-breasted statue known as "Minnie
Lou", though its official name was the lofty sounding "Spirit of
"It'd be a lot cheaper, that's for sure," a photographer from Reuters
The crowd quieted down as the Attorney General, flanked by his aides and
a protective detail of Secret Service agents, took to the podium. He
shuffled through his notes and cleared his throat.
"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I'll start with a prepared
statement and then take questions. We'll have copies of the statement
available for you later this morning." A few flashbulbs went off, and
the click of shutters and whir of motor drives sounded like a
field of crickets on a hot summer night.
"This morning the Department of Justice received instructions from the
President authorizing the appointment of a special prosec..." The
Attorney General was cut off in mid-sentence as the blue curtain
behind him began to fall. The crowd of journalists began to laugh as
the curtain covered three of the Attorney General's aides who were
standing behind the podium. As they struggled under the fallen curtain,
the Secret Service agents rushed to the stage to help free them. Every
camera in the room went off as the hundred or so photographers captured
this slapstick sight.
It took five minutes for the agents to extricate the trapped aides from
the curtain. A few photographers pushed their way to the front of the
crowd and kneeled, aiming their up at the podium to take what
might be the last shot of the strait-laced Attorney General with Minnie
Lou's bare right floating over his head. The Attorney General
shuffled his papers and cleared his throat again.
"This morning the Department of Justice received instructions from
President..." The Attorney General was cut off again by a metallic
groan. It seemed to come from Minnie Lou's companion, a loincloth-clad
male statue entitled "Majesty of Law". Nervously, he glanced over his
shoulder at the statue. There was another groan and the sound of metal
grinding against metal. Suddenly there was another sound, a ghostly
moan that seemed to come from Minnie Lou. The Attorney General backed
away from the podium, his notes and papers dropping to the floor as he
looked up and saw Minnie Lou's upraised arms begin to move.
The crowd of journalists was stunned into silence as the Minnie Lou's
arms slowly lowered, her hands gradually reaching for her and
cupping them. Suddenly the room erupted with laughter, hoots, and
catcalls, flashbulbs popping as every photographer tried to capture this
"It's a miracle!" shouted a reporter from L'Osservatore Romano, the
Vatican newspaper. This wasn't the first statue he'd seen come to life,
having covered numerous of religious artifacts that shed tears
or manifested stigmata, but this was the first time he'd seen a statue
squeeze its own breasts.
"It's a Clinton dirty trick. Reno must have rigged this last
year," spat a conservative columnist from the American Standard.
The Attorney General stood petrified as he watched Minnie Lou fondle her
shiny aluminum breasts. Her nipples began to engorge as her fingers
danced over them, making a crackling sound like a soda can being
crushed. Suddenly there was another metallic groaning behind him, and
he wheeled around to face the Majesty of Law. The statue's normally
dour expression began to form a smile, and there was a prominent bulge
forming under his loincloth.
"You still think Reno did this?" asked a reporter from the New York
Times as the statue's loincloth parted to reveal a large aluminum
erection. "Looks more like Bob Dole's work."
"I don't know what to think," said the conservative columnist. "I just
hope it doesn't come after me. I'm out of here."
"Don't flatter yourself," the Times reporter said. She stayed, as did
just about everyone else, eager to witness the most newsworthy event
The statues began to take short, halting steps towards each other, their
limbs creaking, their footfalls booming throughout the Great Hall. The
Attorney General stood still, paralyzed like a deer caught in the
headlights of a truck. His protective detail surrounded him, and the
quartet of agents started to drag him off the stage. They'd taken two
steps when the Majesty of Law turned towards him, swatting the Attorney
General and his bodyguards off the stage with the back of his hand.
They landed in the second row of seats, a tangle of bodies. The agents
extricated themselves from the mess and instinctively drew their guns.
"Shoot them! Shoot them!" the Attorney General screamed. The agents
held their fire, knowing the effect a ricochet would have in the crowded
hall. They holstered their weapons and brought the Attorney General to
his feet, hustling him out the back of the hall.
As the crowd watched, the statues embraced, their shiny lips meeting and
pressing together with a dull ringing sound. Majesty had his hand on
Spirit's exposed and she slowly reached for his erect penis,
stroking it with a grinding sound reminiscent of a mild fender bender.
As Minnie Lou gradually sank to her knees and took Majesty's shiny organ
in her mouth, a chant of "Mo-ni-ca! Mo-ni-ca!" began to erupt from the
laughing crowd. More shutters clicked, their flashes reflecting
off the two aluminum giants on stage. Cell phones chirped throughout
the hall as reporters called their editors and described the scene.
More than one freelance photographer called his agent, urging them to
get in touch with Bob Guccione, hoping for a million dollar spread in
The Spirit of Justice looked up at the Majesty of Law, a hungry
expression on her sculpted face as she lay back on the blue
curtain that had them. There was a loud metallic creak as she
spread her long legs, her aluminum drapery flowing like quicksilver,
revealing her cleft. Majesty of Law slowly kneeled, his burnished metal
penis gleaming under the bright lights. They coupled slowly, becoming
one on the Great Hall stage, directly on top of the Department of
"It sounds like a slow-motion car crash," a Washington Post reporter
dictated into his tape recorder, "as these two dignified Art Deco
sculptures rut like a pair of hormone-crazed teenagers."
The sound of metal grinding against metal forced some of those present
to cover their ears, and sound technicians started fiddling with gain
controls, pointing their boom mics away from the stage to keep them from
overloading. Except for a couple of network news cameramen who were
doing live headshots of the reporters they accompanied, the rest of the
lensmen were focused on the stage, this astonishing
Majesty of Law's lips were clamped to Minnie Lou's breast, the shining
orb that had generated so much controversy. Their hips creaked and
groaned as they rocked together, her hands grabbing his polished
buttocks, urging him to thrust faster. Their slow coupling became a
frenzied one, and the sound of their lovemaking became almost deafening,
like a pair of pile drivers at a construction site.
Cameramen and photographers had surrounded them, though the statues
seemed oblivious to their presence, absorbed in what must have been 66
years of pent-up desire. No one dared get too close, having seen the
Attorney General get swatted off the stage like a toy soldier.
"What's going to happen when he comes?" a cameraman asked his sound
"I dunno...money shot?" the techie replied.
"I got $20 that says 'facial'," the cameraman said, patting his wallet.
The pair moved closer, edging in for a close-up of the Majesty of Law's
glistening aluminum shaft plunging into the sculpted labia of the Spirit
of Justice. Beneath the sound of the thundering booms of their
coupling, a metallic moan could be heard coming from her lips, almost
human but not quite.
And then she came. As she started thrashing beneath her partner, her
metal limbs quivering and flailing, the crowd surrounding them began to
edge away, afraid of being crushed, spooked by the metallic cries that
escaped her lips. As the circle widened, Spirit of Justice's back
arched and her hips shuddered, her big metal hands coming down right
where a few reporters had just been standing. Majesty of Law's hips
kept pumping, though his eyes were tightly closed.
"You think he's thinking about another statue?" the Times reporter asked
her boyfriend, a columnist for the Nation.
"Maybe he's got the hots for the Statue of Liberty," the columnist said,
slipping his hand under her skirt and resting it on her bottom. "How
about we stay in tonight. I'll bring the silver bodypaint."
"Deal," she said, discreetly rubbing the bulge in his trousers.
"Stand back!" someone shouted. "He's coming!"
Majesty of Law gave one last thrust into Spirit of Justice and then
pulled out, his polished metal phallus gleaming under the lights. He
reached down and stroked it once, then twice, and then he erupted in a
spray of what looked like mercury, a supple silver liquid that pooled on
Minnie Lou's belly. When the geyser of quicksilver became a trickle, he
slowly laid on top of his partner, their lips meeting with a grinding
sound as they kissed. The crowd burst into a mixture of laughter and
"You win," the cameraman said to his tech, pulling a $20 bill from his
wallet. As they zoomed in for one more shot of the statues in repose,
Majesty of Law slowly turned his head and looked at them. His sculpted
lips began to move.
"Do. You. Mind?" the statue said, a tone of annoyance in his booming
With that, the crowd began to disperse, filing out of the hall while the
statues relaxed on the stage, reclining on top of the blue
curtain. While cameramen began to set up outside the hall and reporters
began filing their stories, someone placed a pack of cigarettes and a
lighter on the stage.
The woman from the Times and her boyfriend hailed a cab, heading to her
place for a nooner. As the cabbie negotiated the traffic on
Constitution Ave., they passed the Washington Monument. Suddenly the
driver slammed on the brakes.
"Holy shit," he said, pointing at the gleaming white spike as veins
began to appear under its marble cladding and the apex began to swell
into a helmet-like shape.
© 2002 Anais Ninja firstname.lastname@example.org